The Letter

                                                         The Letter


    I am participating in a grief support group with the hope that I can come to terms with the passing of Linda. We were given an exercise to write a letter to someone unfamiliar with the details of Linda's death. I thought about this for awhile and determined that the only people I know that are unaware of how Linda died are my Grandchildren, Michaela 2 yrs. old and Matthew a little over two weeks old, so I decided the letter must go to them, they are her legacy.


Dear Michaela and Matthew,

     I know that you are to young to remember your Grandmother Linda, she was very upset that MJ would not remember her and you Matthew would never be held in her arms. I made her a promise that you would know her thru the stories I will write in this blog and those told by your parents, Uncle Clay  and Aunt Maggie and others. How she died is one of those stories and as you read this it is important that you know that she was not only a loving and caring person but also very brave in how she faced life.
     During the month of March 2011 Linda developed trouble breathing and went to a doctor who diagnosed her with allergies. This was strange because she had never had allergies before but then she was getting older and physical change for older people is not uncommon so she took the medicines with the hope of getting better. While on a camping trip a couple of weeks later she seemed no better if not worse, when we got home she asked me to take her the emergency room.
     The doctors quickly determined that she had fluid built up in her lungs and admitted her. Over the next few days the fluid was drained, test were run and the doctors told her she had congestive heart failure. I will leave you to read up on this disease to save me from having to write about something that I will probably not get right but in a nut shell a weakened heart causes the lungs to occasionally fill up with fluid causing the heart to work harder which in turn weakens the heart with each episode.
     The goal that the doctors gave her was to not let the fluids build up and to meet that goal they sent her home with instructions on how to manage her diet and exercise as well as a full regiment of medications to be consumed at various times of the day and night, beyond that she could do anything she wanted. Upon arriving home and informing friends and relatives of her condition several people told us that they knew all along it was her heart and not allergies then they told us how people they knew lived for years with the same condition so don't worry about it.
     We went about the process of living. Linda would spend hours crocheting baby blankets for an organization called Newborns in Need, she would take care of her flowers and watch humming birds, finches and wrens from her deck. We took day trips to more than forty state parks and a long weekend trip to Florida with our friends Ken and Marlene, they had never walked on the sand and looked out over the ocean. We went to visit my sister Vickie when she was a camp host in south Georgia. We did all these things while fitting in doctor visits and several short hospital stays to drain fluids from her lungs. Life was different now but Linda was determined not to let her health get in the way.
     2012 started out to be a pretty good year, in the spring your parents gave us the news that they were going to have a baby ( that would be you MJ ) our first Grandchild and they moved into their house. My friend Ken and I went fishing in Florida a couple of times with Aunt Maggie's dad. There were still doctor visits and medication adjustments/changes and a couple of short hospital stays but thru it all her doctors were very optimistic and always positive about the outlook. Her health seemed to have leveled out, she got around ok without any assistance but I stayed close and took her every where she needed to go. Thanksgiving came and went without too much difficulty but then things took a turn and not for the better  
     A few days before you were born MJ your Grandmother suddenly took a turn for the worse. One minute she was fine and talking to me the next she couldn't breathe very well and asked me to take her to the emergency room but before I could get her ready she asked for an ambulance. I watched as they started hooking her up to oxygen and monitors in the ambulance as they tried to stabilize her for the trip. The emergency room doctors and nurses hovered over her as if she were their mother or sister. Linda was losing her fight and unless she had a tube inserted in her throat to help her breathe she would not survive the night, she spent the next few days in intensive care with wires and tubes attached to various parts of her body.
     She pulled thru and was moved to a room for recovery, more testing and along with that another diagnosis. Now she had blockage in the arteries of her heart, by-pass surgery was necessary but her heart was not strong enough for her to survive the operation so she spent several days in the hospital building up her strength.
     With all of this going on, you, MJ, was ready to meet the world, your long awaited arrival could not be put off. Linda was in Athens Regional Hospital and about three miles away at St Mary's Hospital you were making your grand entrance, the details of which I will let your mom and dad tell you. Linda's nursing staff, knowing full well her condition and the slim chances of surviving the operation, were kind enough to put her in a wheelchair and take her to a little dining area on the main floor of the hospital where your mom and dad met us so she could see and hold you. Holding you in her arms put a brighter light in her eyes and a smile on her face. Up until she held you in her arms she had told me that she was ready to go but you gave her the will to live. Linda survived the surgery, spent several more days connected to machines and monitors with wires and tubes, then more time in recovery for a total of 14 days. Although this was not the best Christmas we ever had it was a good one Linda came home and we had a Granddaughter to cherish.
     2013 started off good, Linda was feeling better and the prognosis was good although her recent stay in the hospital divulged another problem, the main arteries going down to her legs were severely blocked which meant another operation and another doctor to see. This new doctor was a vascular surgeon who after several visits finally told Linda her heart was not strong enough to survive an operation of this type so all that could be done was to monitor the condition. This was not really the news we were looking for. Later in the spring a pacemaker / defibulator was implanted in her chest.
     That summer was a good summer, there were a couple of short trips to the hospital but nothing major, in fact the fall period went quite well, Ken and I got another fishing trip to Florida and Linda and I made a few more short trips. Your Grandmother was enjoying a long period of good weeks and months without a visit to the emergency room, she would brag to people about how many months it had been since her last emergency room visit. Thanksgiving and Christmas went very well and she enjoyed watching her Granddaughter run around laughing and giggling ( actually you crawled but were very close to walking ), you made this Christmas the best one in many years..
     2014 brought little change, she had not been to the emergency room in several months but little by little her strength and stamina deteriorated, we purchased a wheelchair and a walker. When I took her shopping she had to use a motorized wheelchair provided by the stores, if none were available she sat on a bench while I ran around the store shopping for her.
     I think this was about the time reality over took, she told me I should start looking for another wife to take care of me, someone who liked to fish. She was sad that she probably would not live long enough for her Granddaughter to remember her. I know that she knew her time in this life was not going to be to be as long as she had hoped for but she continued to be positive and always thought of other people first just as she had always done.
     We talked about taking a trip to the mountains and another to Florida, there were so many things we wanted to do together. I pressed her for a date for the Florida trip, she cried when she told me she did not want to go because she would not have the strength to walk on the beach as she had always done whenever we went to Florida.
     Late in the spring your mom and dad told us that another Grandchild was on the way, that would be you Matthew. The prospect of a Grandson was exciting for us both.
     The last week in June Linda's leg had started to swell, sores appeared on her foot and fluid started to fill her lungs so we went to the hospital where she was admitted. The prognosis was not good, the doctors asked if she had given thought to her end of life wishes. The next day her cardiologist called to talk to me about hospice care as he didn't think that I would be able to take care of her by myself, I pressed him to be more specific and he told me she had months to live, he wouldn't say how many. I got off the phone, sat beside her and told her the news, tears came to my eyes as they are doing now, there was a huge lump in my throat. She told me it was alright she was ready to go but she was worried about me. We both felt and hoped the end would be sometime next year, it had to be because she had a Grandson she wanted to see. She had a new goal, a reason to keep fighting, you gave her new hope Matthew. After about ten days in the hospital her vital signs improved and she was sent home, the hospice nurses met us.
    Although I had been doing most things for her our rolls completely reversed, she had taken care of me, your father and Uncle for many years and it was now my turn to take of her. I had to help her in and out of her chair, push her from room to room on her walker and stand by the shower in case she fell.
     Linda's optimism was courageous, she was sure she would be here for the birth of her Grandson and she made plans accordingly. She continued making baby blankets although she lacked the strength to sit up and work on them for very long. By the end of July I knew she would not see Thanksgiving but for her I stayed positive and supportive. Inside I wanted to strike out at something or someone, this couldn't be happening to her, it wasn't fair, she had so much to live for.
      In August she became bedridden, she was unable to make the short trip to the bathroom so we had a portable potty next to the bed. Lacking the strength to stand by herself I would put my arms around her and her arms around my neck pulling her a standing position then lower her to the seat and back again. It was during these times that I would hold her in my arms, kiss her and tell how much I loved her, during the bad times she would lay her head on my chest and cry but not for long. The nights and days became arduous for both of us, they were long and sleep, often interrupted, usually limited to a couple of hours at a time. Friends and family came by often and she never said she was too sick to see them. She talked with them, laughed with them and let them cry but she never once cried with them her optimism was heroic. Judy Loftin told her she was brave but Linda didn't think so.
     By September she was losing ground fast, now totally bedridden, the hospice nurses were here on a daily basis and even several times were called in the middle of the night. I called the family together sometime around the tenth, we sat around her and talked to her, we watched as she slowly slipped away from us. Just as she was about to slip into a coma in one of her moments of clarity she called for me and when I sat beside her she spoke her last words " I love you, I love you " then she slipped into a coma. When we were alone I held her hand and with tears in my eyes I told her I didn't want her to leave me but her work in this life was done it was ok for her to leave, I told her I loved her and would miss her. Later that night of September 12 my sister Vickie was going to administer some medicine when Linda opened her eyes and looked around and took her last breath, I was not with her at that moment but I am glad Vickie was, she did not die alone.
     Several days later Linda's cardiologist called to offer his condolences, he told me that she put up a valiant fight to live, he told me that he remembered the first time he saw her in the hospital some three years before he thought then that she would not live more than a few months. I think the two of you played a very big role in her survival.
     I remember a conversation I once had with one of my bosses many years ago, we were talking about our wives and how much trouble we sometimes put them thru, he said then that we both had better wives than we deserved, in my case I knew he was right. Were I able to live my life again I doubt I could be so fortunate to find Linda again but if I did I couldn't love her more than I do now.
     It will be many years before either of you will read this or any of the stories I have written or will yet write in these spaces but it is important that you know you had a Grandmother that was a beautiful, caring person and loved you both dearly.



     Grandpa
    
    
    
   
    

Half My Heart Is In Heaven

   


               Half My Heart Is In Heaven

   It is five months since Linda passed away and my heart is still broken, I struggle daily to move forward but there is an emptiness I have to deal with and it seems to pop-up quite often. Linda gave me a purpose, she was my reason for everything I did and without her it is difficult to maintain any order, it is easy to find reasons to do nothing.
     My friend John recently asked how many years Linda and I were married and when I told him he did the math in his head and then asked me if I have ever been alone, after a few thoughtful moments I told him that except for the year prior to meeting Linda no I had never been alone there was always someone in my life to come home to, for forty seven years it was Linda. 
     The girl next door told me that her grandmother said the nighttime was the loneliest time for her after her husband died. I have found that to be true as the house is quiet even when the TV is blaring away. I am also finding there are other moments when Linda's absence weighs heavy in my thoughts such as family gatherings. I am trying very hard to move forward as that is what Linda wanted me to do but just as I think I might be making headway something happens that I regress. 
     A couple of nights prior to Thanksgiving a neighbor was walking her dog after dark and noticed that there was only one of my lawn lights that was burning, she was one of Linda's friends and she stopped in to tell me about the light and how it struck her that it was a sign from Linda that she was watching over us. I lost it at that moment and started to cry just as I cried the morning after Linda had died, the pain I had thought to be diminishing returned, the neighbor hugged me, cried with me then apologized for making me sad then left. 
     Two days later I went to Danny and Marie's house for Thanksgiving , Clay and Maggie were there along with Linda's sister Vicky and her family, the family was complete yet it was not.  Although no one said anything Linda's absence was on my mind thru out the day as my thoughts went back to the festive gatherings of the past, several times I felt the sadness of the day as the memories crept into my thoughts. Twice I had to go outside and clear my head, several times I just hugged MJ tighter. I was invited to go with Danny and Marie to another gathering but I declined and went home to a quiet house where the loneliness, this time, was somewhat welcoming.
     The holiday weekend was long and lonely as the memories ebbed in and out, several times the tears built up and couldn't be held back. Knowing that Christmas was only weeks away and having just experienced the sadness of Thanksgiving I was not looking forward to what should be the happy festivities of Linda's favorite day. 
     Friends have been sympathetic and well meaning  but it is hard to relate as they have yet to walk in my shoes. The boys are going thru their own grieving period but the "old school" mentality makes it difficult for me to talk to them about their mother. Many times  since Linda passed I have wondered if I am depressed I tend to shrug it off saying to myself I am strong, this will pass and though her memory will never fade I will learn to live with it and the heartache will lessen but Linda will remain clear in my thoughts. How much more time is needed to take away the pain? My therapist says a time will come when the memories will be pleasant and bring smiles to my heart instead of tears to my eyes, that time may not be tomorrow but it will come.
     Christmas has now come and gone, there were no stockings hung from the mantel this year, I did put out the ceramic tree that Linda made many years ago and there are no presents. The gathering at Vicky's house went alright although I was tense. It was lonely driving home, this was the first Christmas without Linda since 1968. Christmas Day at Danny's house was better MJ's laughter was like magic in the air.
     As the weeks and months pass by I think I am getting better, the moments of sadness seem to be fewer  though just as tense. Recently I have been spending a lot of time with MJ, Sis and I took her to a park to feed the ducks and she just spent several days away from home at my house while Mom and Dad went to get her little brother. I look forward to being a part of her life and seeing the world thru her eyes. Matthew's arrival brought moments of sadness because Linda wanted so much to live long enough to hold him, I will hold him for her.
     Some time back a pop-up appeared on the computer screen for jewelry. A particular necklace caught my eye,  it was half of a broken heart with the inscription " Half My Heart Is In Heaven", the sentiment is appropriate for the way I feel and probably will feel for some time to come. Linda was my better half and I don't want to let her go. 


        

Pride and Joy

                                                      Pride and Joy


     I never thought to much about my heritage until a few years ago, I was never overly concerned about the Riggan name going forward into the future, if one of my sons produced a son to carry forth the name, great, if not then Granddaughters would be just fine with me. Then last summer we got the news that Danny and Marie were expecting a baby boy.
     With great excitement and anticipation I have been waiting for the birth of my Grandson and on Thursday, February 5, 2015 at 10:38 am one Matthew Brooke Riggan began his life kicking and screaming at the top of his little lungs and believe me he vocalizes very well, he weighed in at 7 lbs 14 oz and 21 inches long. When I first laid eyes on him he had not been totally cleaned up and only his mother and father could touch him, he was red and a little blue with dark hair matted to his head, his legs and hands were flailing in time with his screams. I watched as all around me ooh'd and aah'd at this noisy little bundle of joy, some said he looked like his mother, others said he looked like his father. I must confess that at this stage I can not denote any family resemblance, to me he looks like the beautiful baby that he is and I am proud to be his Grandfather just as much as I am proud to be MJ's Grandfather.
     MJ seemed to be very nonchalant about the loud little bundle that dad was holding when we walked into the room, she was more concerned about seeing her parents whom she had not seen since the night before ( she spent her first night away from home with Grandpa ) but then her curiosity seemed to take over. 

     It is now several days later and I think she is getting used to having a little brother although I don't think she truly understands the ramifications of being a Big Sister.
     Thank goodness I have two legs and two arms so I can hold a grand kid on each knee, I promise not to show any favoritism but I will double up on my spoiling technics. I will be 70 by the time Matthew will be ready to go fishing I only hope I will be able to keep up, fishing from a boat may not be in order then but I think I can remember how to rig a cane pole and cork bobber for bank fishing.
     I don't want to put any pressure on Matthew at such an early age but the future of this branch of the Riggan clan is in his hands. He bears the distinction of being the last baby boy born in three generations to carry the name Riggan who could possibly produce future sons to do the same. In all honesty I would have been just as happy if Matthew had been a girl, the bloodline will continue on with MJ as it will with Matthew, in their veins they carry a piece of their mother and father, their Grandparents, Great Grandparents and generations of ancestors before them. Regardless their name or gender the Riggan bloodline will continue. 

     Linda was upset that MJ would not remember her and Matthew would only know of her yet in them she lives, she is a part of them and will be a part of the generations to come from them, in that sense she will live forever as she so rightly deserves.
     The day Matthew was born was difficult for me. I remembered Linda, in her illness, setting a goal to live long enough to see her Grandson and hold him in her arms, she struggled and fought hard but it was not to be. Her absence still weighs heavy on my heart and seeing Matthew produced mixed feelings of pride, love and sadness. I know Linda would be just as proud and happy with Matthew as I am. I wish she were here, I still love her.

Linda

Linda Jean Dingman Riggan
March 30, 1949 - September 12, 2014

     Those of you who have read my stories will probably agree that I am a romantic in my writings and may even go so far as to call me a sentimental romantic, you would be correct either way. I have always wanted to inject my feelings into the stories so the reader would know that I cared about the people I write about. I loved Linda for many years and it is not a feeling I will give up easily and I want everyone to know. I have tried several times over the last few weeks to tell Linda's story. I have written many paragraphs about how we met, lived and loved each other. Three or four times I have sat down to write only to reach a stopping point and returning later to erase the words because they wouldn't say what I felt in my heart. Hopefully these words will find their way to the end.
      I can't tell you the specific date that we first met, I can't tell you when we went out on our first date or the first kiss or even the date of the night I asked her to marry me. What I can say is that Linda was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen and she hung on every word I said. I can't say it was love at first sight because I don't think you can fall in love that quickly, we were just a couple of teenagers trying to find our way in life. I am just thankful that we chose the same path, I am thankful Linda let me love her.
     I can tell you Linda cared about people and saw beauty in her surroundings. She had a special fondness for children and animals. She enjoyed creating beautiful things as evidenced by the care she took creating her crafts, each item she made was perfect in every detail even though it may have gone to complete strangers who would never know her. She fussed over little details like a lone weed in the lawn or a flower that didn't get enough sunlight or a thread not pulled tight enough. When I worked on a woodworking project I would call for her to look at it and give me her opinion of the design or the completed project, I often told her of a flaw that had to be fixed and she would say it was so minute that only I would know of it's existence and not worry about it. I would repair the flaw and now know that I was trying to meet her standards of beauty. Sadly I had started some of my best work shortly before her health deteriorated and I had to put the work on hold so I could devote my time to her, though she saw the finished design she will never see the completed coffee and end tables I made for her.
     One of the first things I did when we bought this house was to build her a covered deck. The warm days of  fall, winter and springtime or the cool mornings of the hot summer would find her there talking to her sister Eileen or Clay on the phone. Her laughter was at times loud and could be heard from inside the house but it was sincere and infectious. She would sit on the deck crocheting baby blankets for babies who would never know how much care and attention went into them and occasionally look up to watch the Hummingbirds fight over the feeders she kept filled or the Blue birds as they carried food to their young in the houses I built for her. Sometimes I joined her, we would talk and I would be infected with her love of life as she saw it, certainly it was a more beautiful world because she was in it.
      Growing up I never heard the word love spoken, Linda was the first person, I can recall, to tell me she loved me so thru out our life together I made a habit of several times every day telling her how much I loved her. I would walk up and give her a hug or a kiss and tell her how much I loved her, she in turn would profess her love for me. When she would have a bout of depression, I would hold her tight, talk to her slowly pulling her back to me, I would tell her over and over that I loved her, I kissed away the tears of her depression and promised to take care of her and love her forever.
     When we went somewhere I would reach over and take her hand and hold it as I drove, her skin was soft and soothing to the touch, I still reach out for her but find only the course fabric of the cushion. When we walked around a store or thru a street fair she would let me hold her hand, I always wanted her by my side so everyone would know we were together. When people would ask how long we had been married I would proudly tell them. I can't say we were the perfect couple as we, like many people, had our occasional issues but we had learned long ago that we could talk to each other without arguments or shouting or belittling. We talked of many things, truly talked, and I am already missing those talks, her ideas and opinions meant the world to me. I desperately want to talk to her now.
       Her friend Diane recently wrote to me and told me that Linda had once told her of when we first met, she told Diane that I was so good looking that I could have had any girl I wanted yet I wanted her and she didn't know why. Little did she know that I felt the same way about her, she was so beautiful. She never thought herself as beautiful but I think when you look at her picture above and read these words you can understand why I wanted her. The ravages of time and age took it's toll on Linda as it often does to most of us but it never destroyed her inner beauty and when I looked into her eyes it was not the age spots or few strands of grey in her thinning hair that I saw, I could only see the seventeen year old beauty that let me love her.
     The day before Linda died she was semi conscious, I was out of the room during one of her more vivid moments when Maggie, Clays girl friend, came to get me, Linda was calling for me. I sat down by the bed and told her I was here, her heart was racing, her breathing was rapid, her last words were to me. " I love you, I love you "she said and soon after she drifted into a coma, I would give anything to hear those words from her lips now.
     The morning after Linda had passed away I went into the garage and sat in a lawn chair, I stared out at the western sky, it was as clear and blue as her eyes. The song birds she so dearly loved were flying around singing their melodies, the squirrels that made her laugh made their way across the lawn and scampered up the trees, the air was peaceful and quiet. The reality that I would never again hear Linda call to me weighed heavy on my heart. Until now I had been strong for Linda but she was no longer here so I hung my head and cried as I had never cried before. This will be the first of many heart wrenching cries that I will have over the next few days and weeks, there will also be moments of pain where I was able to choke back the sobs but the tears still trickled down my cheeks. Even now these many weeks later as I write these words I have to stop and wipe the tears from my eyes. I wonder will the pain ever go away, will the memory induced tears ever stop flowing, I wonder, do I really want them to. I miss her so much.
     Soon after the hospital bed and equipment were removed from the bedroom I vacuumed and shampooed the carpet, I reassembled the bed with clean sheets and a quilt Linda had made. Lizzy will hop up on the bed and lay there as she often did with Linda but I haven't been able to bring myself to touch it. To sleep on our bed and not feel Linda's arm around me as she snuggled up to me is to painful so I sleep on the couch. The phone recorder still has her voice greeting the caller, to erase it now seems so final besides listening to her voice fills an emptiness in my heart.
     Friends and neighbors will ask me how am I doing, after composing myself my eyes will water and I look away and tell them " oh, I'm OK, I have good days and bad days but I'm OK ". I can handle the daytime, I can keep busy with something to occupy my mind but when the darkness comes and the house is quiet I listen for her voice and can't hear it. You see Linda was never quiet no matter what task she had at hand, if she wasn't talking to me or someone else she was singing a song. She had a beautiful voice that was never mellowed by age and she knew the words to many songs both old and new. I can't believe there were times when I wished she would be quiet. The nighttime was when we would talk about various things, it was when we made plans for tomorrow or next year. Now it's the nighttime I dread the most, the silence is overwhelming. Now I awake in the morning and think about what I should do today, making it thru the day without tearing up is a good starting point.
     With Linda by my side I never worried about the future knowing that she would be next to me to make it brighter, now I have to look at a calendar just to figure out what day it is. When someone wants me to do something on a certain day I tell them to remind me because I don't plan beyond the moment.
     Everyone tells me it takes time to heal the pain and after a time the fond memories will hurt less, Right now I can't believe there is that much time in all of eternity.
     The title to my blog is Holding On To The Past, I feel that the past is all that I have now. If I could I would go back to 1967 just to see her smile and hear her laughter. If I could I would go back to just a month ago and hold her in my arms one more time, kiss her and tell her how much I love her. Linda was many things to many people, to me she was my wife, lover, confidant and best friend, she was and always will be the love of my life. I miss her terribly, I love her still and always will.
     I love you Linda.

                                                    -----------------------------------

     It has been over eight years since Linda passed away, I still mourn for her and guess that I always will. There are times when something will trigger a memory that brings her back to me in clarity and that memory will in turn produce tears or smiles. I still miss her and love her.

    

   
   

Teaching An Old Dog New Tricks

  


           Teaching An Old Dog New Tricks


     Over the last few months it became more and more evident that the time Linda had left was getting shorter by the day. She was worried about me and suggested that I start looking around for a new wife as I would need someone to look after me, after all she had been doing just that for forty seven years and she had doubts that I could pick up the slack. All those many years ago she told me my job was to go to work, cut the grass, paint and keep the house in good repair she would take care of the cooking and housework.
      She continued to do as much as she could with the strength she had left but it soon became apparent that little everyday things drained her of her energy. First it was the vacuuming, not a job that anybody looked forward to doing but if you have a dog and don't vacuum then you are quickly up to your eyeballs in dog hair, loose grass, leaves and dirt that was tracked in and the combined aroma of those things can get to be a little overwhelming. Vacuuming was a no brainer just plug it in turn it on and go back and forth over the floor - got it.
     Housekeeping in general is turning out to be a little more problematic. Chasing dust bunnies around the floor is one thing but having to chase them off the furniture, walls and TV screen is another. I now know why they are called dust bunnies for as quickly as you swiffer them away a new generation pops up and starts to multiply. It is a never ending process.
     Shopping presents a horse of a different color. There are four different grocery stores plus Walmart within an eight mile radius of our house. Linda would look at all of the newspaper and online adds each week to determine what she would buy from whom and search the newspaper for coupons. One store would have the best overall prices and would get the bulk of our business, another had the best meats, another doubled the coupons on Wednesday and they all had sales items the others didn't have. Linda would spend two or three days each week on grocery shopping. Once you get to the store you've got to find what you are looking for and it seems that it is never in the same place twice. I found out that there are several brands of the foodstuff and they are all different prices, math was never my strong suit and I probably look pretty silly standing in the aisle starring at the rows of cans, jars and boxes as I try to figure out the best buy, Linda could instantly spot the best deal and quote the savings.
     Common sense told me that it was a waste of time and money to go from store to store in order to save a dime especially with the price of gas being what it is so I decided to to do all of my shopping at the nearest store with occasional side trips to Walmart as they have the brand of grape kool-aid that I like and a fairly good assortment of fishing lures. I do consider myself a savvy price conscious shopper, in other words I buy on the cheap side and purchase stores brands whenever possible but if that lesser brand has no taste I will move up to a more palatable product - if it makes your lips pucker or throat constrict it is not worth the savings. If something is on sale three for two dollars why not buy three, think of the time saved trying to figure out the individual unit price besides I'll eventually eat all three.
     Grocery shopping was not all that difficult but I am having trouble on the planning stage even though I do make a list and stick to it. The problem seems to be planning ahead and knowing what you need, how am I supposed to know what I will be hungry for next Thursday, got to work on that part.
     Laundry, this is not the first time I have done laundry, as a young boy I often helped Mom wash clothes on an old wringer washer, hang them on an outdoor clothes line in weather so cold that the clothes froze before they dried then fold and iron them. My first two years in the Navy I had to take care of my own clothes, Mom wasn't around to do it for me, Linda did take over this chore once we were married. Laundry so far has been a piece of cake and may be the easiest bit of housework yet, I mean all I have to do is load up the washer with dirty clothes and detergent then turn it own and go watch a little TV. When the washer quits throw everything into the dryer with one of those dryer sheets that always seem to turn up in the most inconvenient places days later and watch more TV. I have found that there is no need to be concerned about the various settings on the machines as every thing I own is so old that there is no need to worry about the colors running or the material shrinking - don't have enough whites to make a load go ahead and fill it up with some colored shirts, jeans or a bath towel or two.
     Now cooking is another of those things that Mom taught me to do. By the time I left home I could make toast and mash potatoes, iced tea and fry a hamburger. These skills I passed along to Linda when we first married, her mother was not a good cook so that skill was never passed down to her. When I went to Vietnam Linda stayed with my family and Mom taught her most everything she knew about cooking and Linda became quite adept and over the years expanded her culinary skills. She was also very inventive like when we were first married she wanted me to go out and fight the dragons of life with a good breakfast. Eggs were never high on my list of breakfast foods so she substituted with the next best thing - pancakes. The recipe she used called for milk in the mixing of the batter but one morning she went to the frig and there was no milk and no neighbor to borrow a cup from. What we did have was ice cream or to be specific ice milk that after a little thawing worked very well except there was just one tiny little problem, the ice milk we had was strawberry flavored and the pancakes turned out pink in color - not a good color when waking up with a hangover. I suffered but had to admit they were just as tasty.
     After all these years I have to start cooking again and find that this is one bicycle I am not going to just climb back on very quickly. Forty-seven years ago we didn't have microwaves or quick fully cooked easy to prepare instant meals but thank God for Campbells soup - I won't starve.
     There are however several tasty dishes that Linda cooked that are my favorites and I had her spend an afternoon showing me how to cook them.
      The first is cube steak. Dad used to cook cube steak which is just a round steak ( the toughest steak there is ) run thru a tenderizer, he would pan fry them to the point that they bounce across the floor like an old dried out cow paddy and they were just as hard to chew. Linda on the other hand cooked the cube steaks in the crock pot all day with mushrooms, mushroom soup, carrots and onions - they were tender and delicious. She would cook enough at one time that I could make several meals, add a helping of mashed potatoes and Navy beans and corn bread and you had Southerner cooking at it's finest. I don't eat the onions but I do like the flavor they add. My first preparation of this meal was a success and I am off to a good start.
     Next came the meatloaf. You will note that I am a meat and potatoes type of guy, after all  I am a butchers son. Linda's recipe calls for a pound and a half of ground chuck but she usually buys two to three pounds uses half for the meatloaf and the rest she makes into pre-cooked hamburgers which she stored in the frig until ready to eat. The first time I made meatloaf Linda had taken a turn for the worse and I didn't have time to make the burgers, wound up tossing half of the ground beef. the next time I made it was after she passed and I wound up making a three pound meatloaf that fed about seven people plus some leftovers for later. Nobody complained and even sister Vicki ate leftovers, still I think the next time I will add a little onion for a tad bit more flavor. At least this time I didn't throw out half of the ground chuck.
     Her chili recipe is equally delicious and allows for the making of several batches to be made at one time. After cooking the meat and peppers you place the ingredients into containers and freeze them, later you thaw out a container add chili beans and there you have several meals. I still have several containers in the freezer for later consumption.
     Now we get to the really good stuff - cookies and cakes - specifically peanut butter chocolate chip cake and the breakfast of champions chocolate chips cookies ( they are also a great snack food any time of the day or night ). I must say I have had a few problems in this area but I am working on the third time around so I hope my troubles are over. I must preface this by saying that Linda's recipes were not what I call all inclusive as there were little things that any good cook would automatically know to do but a novice like me would wind up with a mess on his hands. I was at least sharp enough to sit down with Linda and rewrite the recipe to where I could understand it and the finished product would not be wasted - so I thought.
     My first stab at the cake went pretty well, it looked like what Linda cooked, it even tasted like Linda's cake and everyone liked it. My son Clay even took half of it home with him. Still after all was said and done there was something that was gnawing at me and being the meticulous person I am I got to the bottom of the issue. It appears that when translating the recipe to better understand the steps either Linda forgot to tell me or I forgot to write down a key ingredient - eggs. As I said the cake came out very tasty and had the proper appearance but it didn't rise up to the proper depth, it was kinda thin.
     Trial and error number two came after Linda became bedridden, I had added eggs to the recipe and was ready to try again. I got out all of the ingredients in preparation for mixing and started putting things together. I got everything mixed poured into the pan and in the oven, I even tasted the batter and let Linda have a taste - it was delicious. While the cake was in the oven though there was a gnawing sensation in the back of my neck that I screwed up somewhere so I went back over all of the steps and ingredients and there it was, I screwed up again. When gathering the ingredients I grabbed a box of cake mix from the pantry and mixed it up, I noticed several times there were little specs of redish color in the mix but thought nothing of it at the time. What happened was that I grabbed the only box of carrot cake mix instead of yellow cake mix. However not all was lost the cake was delicious and I think even a little tastier, I may even get more carrot cake mix. Tonight I made another cake following all directions with the proper ingredients and it is great - just add ice cream. Yep third time is the charm, oh and I must remember to grease to pan before pouring the mix next time.
     I have only made the cookies one time and they were tasty although they were a little thicker than Linda's. The little kids next door, Rachael and David, are my cookie critics and they gave me two thumbs up. David has reminded me that they are out of cookies so I promised him I would make more tonight. This time I will flatten them out more, it won't effect the taste but appearances are important.
     This old dog may not hunt to well but he can learn a new trick or two.
     Linda is gone now and the house is quiet. I am starting a new phase in life, there are many life changes I am struggling with and at times it is very overwhelming. I have asked myself why bother, maybe Linda was right and I do need a keeper but then that would be giving up and I can't do that. I have friends and family that won't let me quit and certainly not let me starve. I have to go on for MJ and her soon to arrive little brother Mathew I have to tell them about the Grandmother they won't know. I have to tell them how beautiful she was and how much she loved them and how much I loved her.
   


   

     

Acts of Kindness

                                           Acts Of Kindness




     There are many acts of kindness that are exhibited on a daily basis by ordinary people who have sincere feelings for their fellow human beings, recently I have been privileged to witness several such acts.
     I have long known that Linda has touched the lives of many people every where she has gone. I can't tell you how many babies around the country have been wrapped in crocheted blankets and booties that she has made and donated over the years, well over one hundred in the past year alone. I have delivered several large bags of crocheted afghans to the local homeless Veterans shelter. Many times I have come home to find one of the boys' friends staying with us for a few days because our home was a better environment than their own or find one of Linda's friends who was sick and needed someone to watch over them. According to the Bible " cast thy bread upon the waters; for you shall find it after many days ", Linda is now finding her bread.
     It all started when Linda came home from the hospital, knowing that people would be upset if we didn't tell them about her condition I contacted friends and family to let them know just how sick Linda was, there were tears, moments of denial and hugs of sympathy and compassion. Then came the offers to help - " if you need anything call any time ", " what can I do to help ", the offers are many and sometimes overwhelming. Neighbors have sat with Linda while I went grocery shopping or picked up a prescription, the young neighbor next door has come over twice at odd hours to help me lift Linda back onto the bed, his wife has offered to cook. Our friend down the street has come to visit several times and has brought fresh tomatoes from the garden and once while watching Linda as I went to pick up a prescription Linda had an accident and fouled her clothing and bed sheets, by the time I got back the bed was changed and Linda was cleaned and dressed. My best friend Ken and his wife Marlene recently brought us food, coming here is hard for Marlene as she recently lost her sister, she came anyway because Linda is her friend. Linda's sister Vicky and niece Chelsea  planted flowers in the pots outside. Linda has received cards of thanks and well wishing from people she doesn't know or will ever know but in some way she has touched them or people they care about. My sister Vickie knowing that Linda is a letter writer and enjoys getting letters has been sending her post cards from places she visits and cards with letters telling of her latest adventure. Her best friend Diane flew in from Arizona to spend a few days and recall better times. Sister Eileen is driving up from Florida this week to do what she can and hopes to cheer Linda up. Our dog Lizzy alternates between Linda and I but mostly she lays in bed beside Linda ready to protect her and waits for Linda's caress or scratch behind the ear. The Hospice nurses have been great and treat Linda as if she were their mother. All of these acts of kindness come with sincerity and from the heart.
     This past weekend culminated the sincerest and most heart warming of all that has happened thus far, it was so touching that several times I had to step outside and get some air. Clay and Maggie started things off when they came by Thursday after work, Linda was tired but she sat up on the edge of the bed and gave them her undivided attention. Linda loves both her sons equally but Clay is the baby, he was her traveling buddy, growing up he needed her more than Danny or I therefore he holds a special place in her heart. When they got up to go Clay leaned in to hug her and told her that he loved her, saying those words were special enough but the way he did it meant even more, she later told me about the incident with watery eyes and pride in her sons.
     Growing up Danny was the social butterfly and was always bringing home a friend, some were fair weather friends but there were a very few who have stood out and became his life long best friends - they are Emile, Matt, Brooke and Crystal. These kids spent hours and days at our house, they became a part of our family, went on Florida vacations with Linda, raided the cookie jar and she drove them to many track meets. She proudly refers to them as her adopted kids, they called her Mom and always treated her kindly and with affection. Sadly, Emile a young African American who ran track with Danny died in a car accident on prom night, Linda cried at his funeral and feels his loss even now. Crystal has gone on to achieve high academic honors and lives on the west coast, Danny stays in touch with her and tells Linda how she is doing.
     Saturday Matt and his new bride drove over from Huntsville, Al. and spent time with Linda. It has been a couple of years since we last saw Matt, Linda was in the Hospital then about to undergo heart surgery. Linda was happy to meet his wife and reminisce his teenage years. When he left Matt leaned over and hugged her goodbye, it seemed to me it was if he was hugging his own mother. I got a similar hug as I walked them out though I know hers was special.
     Sunday morning Brooke called to ask if he and his family could visit. When they arrived Linda again devoted herself to them. While a Marine in Afghanistan years ago,Linda would send care packages and letters to Brooke, she remembered how things were when I was in Vietnam. After a while as his wife looked on and his baby boy played at our feet Brooke looked at Linda and thanked her for taking him in and making him a part of our family, I don't remember his exact words as I was getting choked up but I do know they meant a lot to Linda. Brooke could have easily taken the wrong path but I like to think that some of the time he spent at our house woofing down Linda's chocolate chip cookies made an impression on him - he has done well for himself and his family.
     Marie and MJ soon joined us and not long afterwards Linda rested and even I took a power nap. When I awoke Clay and Maggie and Danny had arrived  and Linda asked them to help her to the living room where there was room for everyone. The mood was jovial, the chatter loud and the babies were the center of attention. Linda looked around at her family, the little boys who all called her Mom years ago and still do today talked and laughed, they are all young men now with families of their own. Any parent would be proud to have any one of them for a son but this weekend they were and always will be her sons. Linda was tired but happy as we put her back to bed, she wanted to stay up longer but she was drained.
     These kids took the time to come here this weekend because Linda was Mom she needed them and they loved her.
   
   
   

The Cold Dark Days of Winter

                     The Cold Dark Days of Winter   




     Many times I have heard of how life mimics the seasons of the year, I am sure that somewhere in the internet I can come up with some witty quotes but they seem inappropriate at the moment. Now that I am supposedly older and wiser I can see where the changing of the seasons can relate to life - from birth til about the early twenties you are in a hurry to grow up and like the fast blowing winds of spring you run headstrong into adulthood not realizing you will forever attempt to recapture your youth. The next twenty or so years are like the summertime as you work and play hard with little regard for the future, getting old never enters your thoughts. When you enter your late forties to early fifties your hair acquires a touch of grey, lines of age appear in the corners of the eyes and the skin is no longer tightly stretched across the muscles because they too are no longer as firm as they once were, it is just like the leaves of fall as they change color and start to drop to the ground - old age is next. Moving forward into the sixties and beyond is the wintertime of life, things slow down, the days grow shorter, the foliage takes on a grey somehow ghostly appearance. I am now sixty seven and moving into the winter of my life.
     The bleakness of winter has never been as pronounced as it has now become as Linda has recently spent a few days in the hospital, her congestive heart disease acted up again. We thought it was just another episode which would soon pass- just drain some fluid from her lungs and send her home, but this time it was not to be. The doctor called to tell me in a round about way that Linda has months to live. After hanging up the phone I sat beside Linda and told her, it felt as if a knife had been driven into my heart, for such a hot, sunny July day it was suddenly very cold and bleak.
     Since being diagnosed two years ago, Linda and I had talked of the future many times, we understood that time would be short so we made plans to do this or that. We talked about the birth of our granddaughter and after that birth we looked forward to watching her crawl, then walk and hope the day would soon come when we heard her say Grand Ma and Grand Pa. We took day trips to parks, spent a weekend in Charleston and visited my sister in south Georgia. We made plans to travel the Blue Ridge Parkway just because it looked to be a beautiful trip, we planned a trip to Florida to walk on the beach - but we never seemed to find the right time. Riding the Blue Ridge was a summer time trip but the summer heat and humidity kept Linda indoors even though I bought a wheelchair for the trip, the Florida trip was cancelled because Linda didn't want to go if she couldn't walk on the beach - the memories of happier times were overwhelming. Her strength was slowly draining away in that she had to use a walker if she had to go more than twenty feet.
     We consider ourselves practical and realize that the end of life comes to everyone and our time is close at hand. Linda has long felt that she would die before me because of her diabetes and now heart condition so she has, I suppose, made peace with herself and has told me she is ready to go although she is afraid for me. She has even told me I should start looking for another wife, one who likes to fish. She thinks I should get married again so I won't be alone. I reminded her that when we married it was forever and not something I was inclined to do a second time besides I'll have the kids and Grand kids to keep me busy and sometimes loneliness is not so bad.
      This is not the time to be thinking about life without Linda, it is the time to make sure that her time remaining is good and that she has a reason to wake up every day. There are good days and bad days, days when all she wants to do is sleep and days when she gets up and she teaches me to cook my favorite meal so I won't go hungry. Good or bad I have to be positive for her even though at times it is difficult. It is one thing to see an acquaintance or distant relative as they slowly slip away but yet another thing to daily watch as the love of your life struggles with the most menial of task like walking to the shower from the bed or having to sit and rest before reaching the the kitchen. She doesn't like for me to hear her cry either from pain or frustration- mostly from frustration-but I hear,the medicine that works best at these times is just to hold her tight and softly tell her how much I love her, this I do several times a day. In wanting to be strong for her I hold back my own tears.
      The kids come around more often and Linda perks up in their presence, she and they carry on as if nothing is different, we talk and laugh just as we did six months ago. I walk the kids out and and explain why Mom can't come to their house when she feels better. MJ especially brightens her day and every time we see her she seems to have grown up more, in a moment of thoughtfulness Linda said that she was sad that MJ was so young she would not remember her Grandmother. When they leave she cries from exhaustion.
      Linda worries that I spend too much time taking care of her, she wants me to allow a friend to sit with her so I can get out to go fishing or just get away for a few hours. When I do take advantage of the offers it is mainly to go shopping and then I hurry home as I feel I need to be with her. Selfish this may be but I look upon taking care of Linda as my new job, after having taken care of me for forty seven years it is my privilege to take care of her.
     It is now almost a month since she came home from the hospital her strength is slowly waning. Standing requires that she has to put her arms around my neck and I hug her as I pull her up. We stand together for a few moments and hold tightly, I kiss her on the top of her head and tell her everything will be alright as she cries in frustration. Sleep for both of us is difficult, for her it's the pain and effort required to turn over, I listen for sounds that tell me she needs me. She fights and struggles her will to live is still strong. I don't want her to go but neither do I want her to suffer.
     I am mad at the doctors for not being able to fix her. I am mad at myself for not having taken better care of her over the years and I am mad at God for allowing her to suffer and taking her, at such an early age, from all that love her.
     I never knew that pain could run so deep without injury, I never knew that love could be so painful, I never knew that winter could be so cold and dark.