The Letter

                                                         The Letter


    I am participating in a grief support group with the hope that I can come to terms with the passing of Linda. We were given an exercise to write a letter to someone unfamiliar with the details of Linda's death. I thought about this for awhile and determined that the only people I know that are unaware of how Linda died are my Grandchildren, Michaela 2 yrs. old and Matthew a little over two weeks old, so I decided the letter must go to them, they are her legacy.


Dear Michaela and Matthew,

     I know that you are to young to remember your Grandmother Linda, she was very upset that MJ would not remember her and you Matthew would never be held in her arms. I made her a promise that you would know her thru the stories I will write in this blog and those told by your parents, Uncle Clay  and Aunt Maggie and others. How she died is one of those stories and as you read this it is important that you know that she was not only a loving and caring person but also very brave in how she faced life.
     During the month of March 2011 Linda developed trouble breathing and went to a doctor who diagnosed her with allergies. This was strange because she had never had allergies before but then she was getting older and physical change for older people is not uncommon so she took the medicines with the hope of getting better. While on a camping trip a couple of weeks later she seemed no better if not worse, when we got home she asked me to take her the emergency room.
     The doctors quickly determined that she had fluid built up in her lungs and admitted her. Over the next few days the fluid was drained, test were run and the doctors told her she had congestive heart failure. I will leave you to read up on this disease to save me from having to write about something that I will probably not get right but in a nut shell a weakened heart causes the lungs to occasionally fill up with fluid causing the heart to work harder which in turn weakens the heart with each episode.
     The goal that the doctors gave her was to not let the fluids build up and to meet that goal they sent her home with instructions on how to manage her diet and exercise as well as a full regiment of medications to be consumed at various times of the day and night, beyond that she could do anything she wanted. Upon arriving home and informing friends and relatives of her condition several people told us that they knew all along it was her heart and not allergies then they told us how people they knew lived for years with the same condition so don't worry about it.
     We went about the process of living. Linda would spend hours crocheting baby blankets for an organization called Newborns in Need, she would take care of her flowers and watch humming birds, finches and wrens from her deck. We took day trips to more than forty state parks and a long weekend trip to Florida with our friends Ken and Marlene, they had never walked on the sand and looked out over the ocean. We went to visit my sister Vickie when she was a camp host in south Georgia. We did all these things while fitting in doctor visits and several short hospital stays to drain fluids from her lungs. Life was different now but Linda was determined not to let her health get in the way.
     2012 started out to be a pretty good year, in the spring your parents gave us the news that they were going to have a baby ( that would be you MJ ) our first Grandchild and they moved into their house. My friend Ken and I went fishing in Florida a couple of times with Aunt Maggie's dad. There were still doctor visits and medication adjustments/changes and a couple of short hospital stays but thru it all her doctors were very optimistic and always positive about the outlook. Her health seemed to have leveled out, she got around ok without any assistance but I stayed close and took her every where she needed to go. Thanksgiving came and went without too much difficulty but then things took a turn and not for the better  
     A few days before you were born MJ your Grandmother suddenly took a turn for the worse. One minute she was fine and talking to me the next she couldn't breathe very well and asked me to take her to the emergency room but before I could get her ready she asked for an ambulance. I watched as they started hooking her up to oxygen and monitors in the ambulance as they tried to stabilize her for the trip. The emergency room doctors and nurses hovered over her as if she were their mother or sister. Linda was losing her fight and unless she had a tube inserted in her throat to help her breathe she would not survive the night, she spent the next few days in intensive care with wires and tubes attached to various parts of her body.
     She pulled thru and was moved to a room for recovery, more testing and along with that another diagnosis. Now she had blockage in the arteries of her heart, by-pass surgery was necessary but her heart was not strong enough for her to survive the operation so she spent several days in the hospital building up her strength.
     With all of this going on, you, MJ, was ready to meet the world, your long awaited arrival could not be put off. Linda was in Athens Regional Hospital and about three miles away at St Mary's Hospital you were making your grand entrance, the details of which I will let your mom and dad tell you. Linda's nursing staff, knowing full well her condition and the slim chances of surviving the operation, were kind enough to put her in a wheelchair and take her to a little dining area on the main floor of the hospital where your mom and dad met us so she could see and hold you. Holding you in her arms put a brighter light in her eyes and a smile on her face. Up until she held you in her arms she had told me that she was ready to go but you gave her the will to live. Linda survived the surgery, spent several more days connected to machines and monitors with wires and tubes, then more time in recovery for a total of 14 days. Although this was not the best Christmas we ever had it was a good one Linda came home and we had a Granddaughter to cherish.
     2013 started off good, Linda was feeling better and the prognosis was good although her recent stay in the hospital divulged another problem, the main arteries going down to her legs were severely blocked which meant another operation and another doctor to see. This new doctor was a vascular surgeon who after several visits finally told Linda her heart was not strong enough to survive an operation of this type so all that could be done was to monitor the condition. This was not really the news we were looking for. Later in the spring a pacemaker / defibulator was implanted in her chest.
     That summer was a good summer, there were a couple of short trips to the hospital but nothing major, in fact the fall period went quite well, Ken and I got another fishing trip to Florida and Linda and I made a few more short trips. Your Grandmother was enjoying a long period of good weeks and months without a visit to the emergency room, she would brag to people about how many months it had been since her last emergency room visit. Thanksgiving and Christmas went very well and she enjoyed watching her Granddaughter run around laughing and giggling ( actually you crawled but were very close to walking ), you made this Christmas the best one in many years..
     2014 brought little change, she had not been to the emergency room in several months but little by little her strength and stamina deteriorated, we purchased a wheelchair and a walker. When I took her shopping she had to use a motorized wheelchair provided by the stores, if none were available she sat on a bench while I ran around the store shopping for her.
     I think this was about the time reality over took, she told me I should start looking for another wife to take care of me, someone who liked to fish. She was sad that she probably would not live long enough for her Granddaughter to remember her. I know that she knew her time in this life was not going to be to be as long as she had hoped for but she continued to be positive and always thought of other people first just as she had always done.
     We talked about taking a trip to the mountains and another to Florida, there were so many things we wanted to do together. I pressed her for a date for the Florida trip, she cried when she told me she did not want to go because she would not have the strength to walk on the beach as she had always done whenever we went to Florida.
     Late in the spring your mom and dad told us that another Grandchild was on the way, that would be you Matthew. The prospect of a Grandson was exciting for us both.
     The last week in June Linda's leg had started to swell, sores appeared on her foot and fluid started to fill her lungs so we went to the hospital where she was admitted. The prognosis was not good, the doctors asked if she had given thought to her end of life wishes. The next day her cardiologist called to talk to me about hospice care as he didn't think that I would be able to take care of her by myself, I pressed him to be more specific and he told me she had months to live, he wouldn't say how many. I got off the phone, sat beside her and told her the news, tears came to my eyes as they are doing now, there was a huge lump in my throat. She told me it was alright she was ready to go but she was worried about me. We both felt and hoped the end would be sometime next year, it had to be because she had a Grandson she wanted to see. She had a new goal, a reason to keep fighting, you gave her new hope Matthew. After about ten days in the hospital her vital signs improved and she was sent home, the hospice nurses met us.
    Although I had been doing most things for her our rolls completely reversed, she had taken care of me, your father and Uncle for many years and it was now my turn to take of her. I had to help her in and out of her chair, push her from room to room on her walker and stand by the shower in case she fell.
     Linda's optimism was courageous, she was sure she would be here for the birth of her Grandson and she made plans accordingly. She continued making baby blankets although she lacked the strength to sit up and work on them for very long. By the end of July I knew she would not see Thanksgiving but for her I stayed positive and supportive. Inside I wanted to strike out at something or someone, this couldn't be happening to her, it wasn't fair, she had so much to live for.
      In August she became bedridden, she was unable to make the short trip to the bathroom so we had a portable potty next to the bed. Lacking the strength to stand by herself I would put my arms around her and her arms around my neck pulling her a standing position then lower her to the seat and back again. It was during these times that I would hold her in my arms, kiss her and tell how much I loved her, during the bad times she would lay her head on my chest and cry but not for long. The nights and days became arduous for both of us, they were long and sleep, often interrupted, usually limited to a couple of hours at a time. Friends and family came by often and she never said she was too sick to see them. She talked with them, laughed with them and let them cry but she never once cried with them her optimism was heroic. Judy Loftin told her she was brave but Linda didn't think so.
     By September she was losing ground fast, now totally bedridden, the hospice nurses were here on a daily basis and even several times were called in the middle of the night. I called the family together sometime around the tenth, we sat around her and talked to her, we watched as she slowly slipped away from us. Just as she was about to slip into a coma in one of her moments of clarity she called for me and when I sat beside her she spoke her last words " I love you, I love you " then she slipped into a coma. When we were alone I held her hand and with tears in my eyes I told her I didn't want her to leave me but her work in this life was done it was ok for her to leave, I told her I loved her and would miss her. Later that night of September 12 my sister Vickie was going to administer some medicine when Linda opened her eyes and looked around and took her last breath, I was not with her at that moment but I am glad Vickie was, she did not die alone.
     Several days later Linda's cardiologist called to offer his condolences, he told me that she put up a valiant fight to live, he told me that he remembered the first time he saw her in the hospital some three years before he thought then that she would not live more than a few months. I think the two of you played a very big role in her survival.
     I remember a conversation I once had with one of my bosses many years ago, we were talking about our wives and how much trouble we sometimes put them thru, he said then that we both had better wives than we deserved, in my case I knew he was right. Were I able to live my life again I doubt I could be so fortunate to find Linda again but if I did I couldn't love her more than I do now.
     It will be many years before either of you will read this or any of the stories I have written or will yet write in these spaces but it is important that you know you had a Grandmother that was a beautiful, caring person and loved you both dearly.



     Grandpa