Half My Heart Is In Heaven

   


               Half My Heart Is In Heaven

   It is five months since Linda passed away and my heart is still broken, I struggle daily to move forward but there is an emptiness I have to deal with and it seems to pop-up quite often. Linda gave me a purpose, she was my reason for everything I did and without her it is difficult to maintain any order, it is easy to find reasons to do nothing.
     My friend John recently asked how many years Linda and I were married and when I told him he did the math in his head and then asked me if I have ever been alone, after a few thoughtful moments I told him that except for the year prior to meeting Linda no I had never been alone there was always someone in my life to come home to, for forty seven years it was Linda. 
     The girl next door told me that her grandmother said the nighttime was the loneliest time for her after her husband died. I have found that to be true as the house is quiet even when the TV is blaring away. I am also finding there are other moments when Linda's absence weighs heavy in my thoughts such as family gatherings. I am trying very hard to move forward as that is what Linda wanted me to do but just as I think I might be making headway something happens that I regress. 
     A couple of nights prior to Thanksgiving a neighbor was walking her dog after dark and noticed that there was only one of my lawn lights that was burning, she was one of Linda's friends and she stopped in to tell me about the light and how it struck her that it was a sign from Linda that she was watching over us. I lost it at that moment and started to cry just as I cried the morning after Linda had died, the pain I had thought to be diminishing returned, the neighbor hugged me, cried with me then apologized for making me sad then left. 
     Two days later I went to Danny and Marie's house for Thanksgiving , Clay and Maggie were there along with Linda's sister Vicky and her family, the family was complete yet it was not.  Although no one said anything Linda's absence was on my mind thru out the day as my thoughts went back to the festive gatherings of the past, several times I felt the sadness of the day as the memories crept into my thoughts. Twice I had to go outside and clear my head, several times I just hugged MJ tighter. I was invited to go with Danny and Marie to another gathering but I declined and went home to a quiet house where the loneliness, this time, was somewhat welcoming.
     The holiday weekend was long and lonely as the memories ebbed in and out, several times the tears built up and couldn't be held back. Knowing that Christmas was only weeks away and having just experienced the sadness of Thanksgiving I was not looking forward to what should be the happy festivities of Linda's favorite day. 
     Friends have been sympathetic and well meaning  but it is hard to relate as they have yet to walk in my shoes. The boys are going thru their own grieving period but the "old school" mentality makes it difficult for me to talk to them about their mother. Many times  since Linda passed I have wondered if I am depressed I tend to shrug it off saying to myself I am strong, this will pass and though her memory will never fade I will learn to live with it and the heartache will lessen but Linda will remain clear in my thoughts. How much more time is needed to take away the pain? My therapist says a time will come when the memories will be pleasant and bring smiles to my heart instead of tears to my eyes, that time may not be tomorrow but it will come.
     Christmas has now come and gone, there were no stockings hung from the mantel this year, I did put out the ceramic tree that Linda made many years ago and there are no presents. The gathering at Vicky's house went alright although I was tense. It was lonely driving home, this was the first Christmas without Linda since 1968. Christmas Day at Danny's house was better MJ's laughter was like magic in the air.
     As the weeks and months pass by I think I am getting better, the moments of sadness seem to be fewer  though just as tense. Recently I have been spending a lot of time with MJ, Sis and I took her to a park to feed the ducks and she just spent several days away from home at my house while Mom and Dad went to get her little brother. I look forward to being a part of her life and seeing the world thru her eyes. Matthew's arrival brought moments of sadness because Linda wanted so much to live long enough to hold him, I will hold him for her.
     Some time back a pop-up appeared on the computer screen for jewelry. A particular necklace caught my eye,  it was half of a broken heart with the inscription " Half My Heart Is In Heaven", the sentiment is appropriate for the way I feel and probably will feel for some time to come. Linda was my better half and I don't want to let her go.