The Cold Dark Days of Winter

                     The Cold Dark Days of Winter   




     Many times I have heard of how life mimics the seasons of the year, I am sure that somewhere in the internet I can come up with some witty quotes but they seem inappropriate at the moment. Now that I am supposedly older and wiser I can see where the changing of the seasons can relate to life - from birth til about the early twenties you are in a hurry to grow up and like the fast blowing winds of spring you run headstrong into adulthood not realizing you will forever attempt to recapture your youth. The next twenty or so years are like the summertime as you work and play hard with little regard for the future, getting old never enters your thoughts. When you enter your late forties to early fifties your hair acquires a touch of grey, lines of age appear in the corners of the eyes and the skin is no longer tightly stretched across the muscles because they too are no longer as firm as they once were, it is just like the leaves of fall as they change color and start to drop to the ground - old age is next. Moving forward into the sixties and beyond is the wintertime of life, things slow down, the days grow shorter, the foliage takes on a grey somehow ghostly appearance. I am now sixty seven and moving into the winter of my life.
     The bleakness of winter has never been as pronounced as it has now become as Linda has recently spent a few days in the hospital, her congestive heart disease acted up again. We thought it was just another episode which would soon pass- just drain some fluid from her lungs and send her home, but this time it was not to be. The doctor called to tell me in a round about way that Linda has months to live. After hanging up the phone I sat beside Linda and told her, it felt as if a knife had been driven into my heart, for such a hot, sunny July day it was suddenly very cold and bleak.
     Since being diagnosed two years ago, Linda and I had talked of the future many times, we understood that time would be short so we made plans to do this or that. We talked about the birth of our granddaughter and after that birth we looked forward to watching her crawl, then walk and hope the day would soon come when we heard her say Grand Ma and Grand Pa. We took day trips to parks, spent a weekend in Charleston and visited my sister in south Georgia. We made plans to travel the Blue Ridge Parkway just because it looked to be a beautiful trip, we planned a trip to Florida to walk on the beach - but we never seemed to find the right time. Riding the Blue Ridge was a summer time trip but the summer heat and humidity kept Linda indoors even though I bought a wheelchair for the trip, the Florida trip was cancelled because Linda didn't want to go if she couldn't walk on the beach - the memories of happier times were overwhelming. Her strength was slowly draining away in that she had to use a walker if she had to go more than twenty feet.
     We consider ourselves practical and realize that the end of life comes to everyone and our time is close at hand. Linda has long felt that she would die before me because of her diabetes and now heart condition so she has, I suppose, made peace with herself and has told me she is ready to go although she is afraid for me. She has even told me I should start looking for another wife, one who likes to fish. She thinks I should get married again so I won't be alone. I reminded her that when we married it was forever and not something I was inclined to do a second time besides I'll have the kids and Grand kids to keep me busy and sometimes loneliness is not so bad.
      This is not the time to be thinking about life without Linda, it is the time to make sure that her time remaining is good and that she has a reason to wake up every day. There are good days and bad days, days when all she wants to do is sleep and days when she gets up and she teaches me to cook my favorite meal so I won't go hungry. Good or bad I have to be positive for her even though at times it is difficult. It is one thing to see an acquaintance or distant relative as they slowly slip away but yet another thing to daily watch as the love of your life struggles with the most menial of task like walking to the shower from the bed or having to sit and rest before reaching the the kitchen. She doesn't like for me to hear her cry either from pain or frustration- mostly from frustration-but I hear,the medicine that works best at these times is just to hold her tight and softly tell her how much I love her, this I do several times a day. In wanting to be strong for her I hold back my own tears.
      The kids come around more often and Linda perks up in their presence, she and they carry on as if nothing is different, we talk and laugh just as we did six months ago. I walk the kids out and and explain why Mom can't come to their house when she feels better. MJ especially brightens her day and every time we see her she seems to have grown up more, in a moment of thoughtfulness Linda said that she was sad that MJ was so young she would not remember her Grandmother. When they leave she cries from exhaustion.
      Linda worries that I spend too much time taking care of her, she wants me to allow a friend to sit with her so I can get out to go fishing or just get away for a few hours. When I do take advantage of the offers it is mainly to go shopping and then I hurry home as I feel I need to be with her. Selfish this may be but I look upon taking care of Linda as my new job, after having taken care of me for forty seven years it is my privilege to take care of her.
     It is now almost a month since she came home from the hospital her strength is slowly waning. Standing requires that she has to put her arms around my neck and I hug her as I pull her up. We stand together for a few moments and hold tightly, I kiss her on the top of her head and tell her everything will be alright as she cries in frustration. Sleep for both of us is difficult, for her it's the pain and effort required to turn over, I listen for sounds that tell me she needs me. She fights and struggles her will to live is still strong. I don't want her to go but neither do I want her to suffer.
     I am mad at the doctors for not being able to fix her. I am mad at myself for not having taken better care of her over the years and I am mad at God for allowing her to suffer and taking her, at such an early age, from all that love her.
     I never knew that pain could run so deep without injury, I never knew that love could be so painful, I never knew that winter could be so cold and dark.