I Love You

                                                           I Love You





     " Death is the great equalizer. It puts all things in their rightful perspective. It neutralizes transgressions, resentments and disappointments. If there is only a single chance to say something -- I love you is the most important thing we can say to each other. "

     Stephanie Ericsson
     Companion Through The Darkness


     I love you - the most endearing of sentiments between two people, probably the most used and sought after of expressions. Hugs, kisses, hand holding or whispering sweet words of prose into ones ear can only attain second place to I love you. Women are better at saying I love you than men, I think it is because they mature faster than men, so I have been told. Maybe it is because women are more prone to sentimentality and romance. Men on the other hand have no time for any sentiment that might be construed as a weakness, again - so I have been told.
     I grew up with out being told I was loved, sentimentality was a perceived thing. Consequently when I met Linda I had very little experience with love much less expressing it. I don't know which of us said it first, it could have been me as Linda was somewhat of a hard sell, she forced me to break tradition with my upbringing. What matters is that Linda was the first person I ever told that I loved them and she was the first person to ever tell me that they loved me. We said such things only when we were alone, after all this was nothing to be blurted out for the whole world to hear. We did love each other and would seek out opportunities for a quick kiss followed by an I love you or I would whisper I love you in her ear as I hugged her. Our letters written to each other when I was in Vietnam were littered with I love you's and signed I love you.
      All that was in the beginning, as we matured so did our love for each other. We sometimes stumbled and sometimes the storm clouds started to gather but we loved each other so much the fear of parting was unbearable so we fought to stay together, the words "I love you" turned disagreements into moments of shear bliss and dried the tears of despair.
     Most of her life Linda fought off depression, holding her tight and telling her how much I loved her as she cried was the only thing that kept her from sliding over the edge. Linda was a person that needed to be loved and I needed someone to love, we were a perfect fit for each other. Linda was the one who taught me to love her.
     Her illness did little to diminish what we had, if anything it strengthened our feelings for each other. Saying I love you several times a day became the norm, hugging was more frequent as were kisses and whispers in the ear. The last months, weeks and days of her life were no different than any other time just maybe more desperate. I tried to make I love you sound more sincere the hugs tighter and longer lasting, her happiness was more important than my sorrow.
     The above quote is from a book which was homework from my grief support group. The last words Linda spoke were to me, she said " I love you, I love you ", of all the times we said these words to each other this time is the one I will never forget. I don't know if she heard the last I love you I said to her but I like to think she did.
     Months have passed, the stress of loneliness is continuous, the pain of remembrance is still strong, the tears of sorrow still cloud my vision. Not long ago the house reverberated with the sound of Linda's voice, now it is haunted by her silence.  No more kisses, no more hugs, no more I love you's.
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     Today is March 30, 2015, it should be Linda's 66th birthday, were she still here she would be pleased that I remembered, I have forgotten my share of birthdays and paid the price for my forgetfulness. Instead of a celebration this day has become another reminder that Linda is not here, June is the month of our anniversary, September will mark the day of her death, then the holidays will start the cycle over again. I am told that someday these milestones will be marked with happy memories that make me smile and be thankful for the time we shared. Today I am sad not for the memories but that I miss my Linda.
     I Love You Sweetheart, Happy Birthday.

More Stories About Linda

                                 More Stories About Linda







     When I first met Linda she was wearing hard contact lens, soft lens wouldn't be available for quite some time. She had been wearing contacts for several years. She told me that she didn't know she needed glasses until one of her teachers had her eyes checked and chewed out her father for not noticing the problem. Once she got glasses she was amazed at the transition, up until then she thought that everyone saw the world thru blurred vision.
     The glasses worked well in that they opened up a whole new world for her that was full of details she had never seen before. The only draw back was that her vision changed so rapidly that she required new glasses annually and each prescription was stronger than the last one. It wasn't until she was a teenager that she tried contact lenses and things settled down, her vision didn't change for many years, in fact she was wearing the original lenses when we met and she didn't get new ones until years later. She never indicated to me that she had a problem although I was concerned that she would wear her contacts for a couple of days at a time only removing them for a quick cleaning, she was not supposed to sleep in them but she did.
     We were constantly on the go back then, swimming, water skiing, camping trips to the mountains or Florida. We would be up all night driving somewhere or partying to the wee hours of the morning. When driving a long distance I would get tired and she would take over for me and I would awaken later to find her hunched over the steering wheel, she would deny anything was wrong. She was in her late twenties when I finally got her to have her eyes checked again, her prescription had changed but not much. Because we did a lot of water skiing I had her get a pair of glasses to wear in case she lost a contact, her vision was so bad that the lenses of the glasses were thick, like the bottoms of coke bottles, but there was nothing she could do.
     Years went by, the boys were born and grew to be teenagers, she was a housewife and as such she was constantly on the go for activities involving the boys. Years later Linda told me the reason she had Clay go with her to craft shows was to read the road signs, her eyes were getting blurry again but she wouldn't admit to anything. Now is the time I will say that Linda was not only beautiful and genuinely a good person she was also stubborn, independent and always concerned about money, she took care of every one else before tending to her own needs.
     There was a fix for her problem, it was called radial keratotomy. It had been around for several years having been perfected in Russia of all places, the procedure had only been performed in the US for about ten years and Linda waited to see what after effects may occur. Finally in the mid 1990's she had the operation which involved slicing the iris of the eye like the spokes of a wagon wheel, if performed incorrectly the she would lose her eyesight. She had her eyes operated on one at a time and after many months of recovery the operation was a success.
     Several days after the first eye was operated on and the eye patch was removed she took a shower, when she got out she found me and with an excited voice she told me she had looked down while in the shower and saw her toes. This didn't connect in my brain right away because that is what people usually see when they look down while in a shower. Linda explained that she had never, the optimum word here is NEVER, seen her toes unless she was wearing contacts which she didn't wear while taking a shower. A day or so later she was washing dishes and looked out the window and saw a squirrel in a tree which in itself was nothing unusual except that she also saw individual leaves on the branches of the tree. Up until then all tree leaves were just a green blur.
     Linda's world was expanding larger than life itself, it was brighter than ever before and full of little inconsequential items like leaves, pebbles, and dust on the furniture. Everything I had taken for granted my whole life she was just now discovering in great detail, only then did I realize just how bad her vision had been all those years. I watched as she threaded a needle for the first time without squinting, watched as sweat ran into her eyes without making her cry. At this time she was probably as happy as she was when her sons were born, Linda was most beautiful when she was happy.
     About four years ago, that would be 2011, Linda's vision was once again deteriorating, the diagnosis was cataracts in both eyes, she was slowly going blind. We knew nothing of her heart condition at the time, it would not have mattered to me had we known, I would have rather she died on an operating table than had to live out her life unable to see the beauty in her world. The issue again was payment, no insurance and no money but we had credit cards and $5000 was, oh well you can't take it with you.
     The operation was successful and she was soon back watching the Hummingbirds fight over the feeders in her back yard, she could see to make quilts again.
     For most of her life Linda had problems with her vision but she thought it would never improve so she lived with it, she hand stitched quilts, embroidered, needlepointed, crocheted with small thread and never complained. Every bit of her work was beautiful, perfect because she would put up with nothing less. It was Linda that taught me to see beauty in the daily grind most of us call life, I would see a squirrel chewing up the lawn, she would see a cute, furry, cartoon like character playfully looking for food.
     In the end Linda slipped into a coma, her eyes open to a world she could no longer see, a sad commentary for someone who could see so much beauty in the blurry shadows of life.



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                                                                The Babysitter


     After years of trying to have a baby I was told I didn't have enough little squigglies running around. We tried to adopt but it was not only a difficult process back then but I personally had a problem with the program. I worked on my adoption issues but before things could get serious Linda went to the doctor one day and came home with the news that she was pregnant. I can't tell you my exact feelings at the moment but I do remember being scared to death, what me a father, why I'm 33 too old to be starting a family, how are we going to afford another mouth to feed, I was dumbfounded and awe struck at the same time.
     By the end of the nine month incubation period I had resigned myself that fatherhood was not that bad of an idea, I was actually looking forward to holding a little bundle of joy in my arms. Ultra sounds and fathers in the delivery room were ideas still in their infancy so we didn't know for sure the sex of the baby although I think Linda knew it to be a boy. Then the great day arrived, July 10, 1980 Michael Daniel Riggan arrived via cesarean section, he had a full head of dark hair and his Hungarian doctor pointed to the large wet spot on his surgical garb to indicate that all functions were operational.
     Much like today mothers who gave birth via caesarian section had to take things easy for a while so I helped out wherever I could with feeding and diaper changes. One morning I awoke to the sounds of Danny waking up, I decided that I could handle his feeding and told Linda to stay in bed. Danny was a couple of months old at this time and was bottle fed so the first thing I did was mix his formula and warm it up. While the bottle was warming I changed his diaper and carried him in to the kitchen to check on the bottle which was ready. There we were father and son sitting on the couch, me in my BVD's and Danny in his diaper cradled in my arm and sucking on the bottle when the biggest grin appeared on his face. I thought he was happy to be looking up at his dad until I felt a warm sensation on my belly and a strong aroma permeating the room, whoever said that a babies poop didn't smell was obviously not a parent.
     Changing diapers was part of the job and nothing that couldn't be handled even though this was a lot to deal with. I took Danny in to the bathroom, turned on the water in the tub, removed the diaper and was in the process of figuring out what to do next when Linda walked in wondering if I was trying to kill my son. You see, when I stood up to take Danny to the bathroom I had to put the bottle down but he wasn't thru with it and became angry, voicing his displeasure very loudly. There I stood poop running down my belly over my BVD's and thighs, holding my son at arms length trying to wash poop off his backside and all the while he was screaming and the water in the tub was turning brown.
     I don't remember Linda's exact words but I do remember the feeling of relief as mom came to the rescue.

     Another time Linda left me in charge of Danny, he was walking by this time, he and I were in the garage and I wanted him to come to me so I called out to him and his response was one of the few words in his vocabulary "no". When I started after him he turned and ran in the opposite direction which was toward the street and I gave chase. Those short little legs of his propelled him quickly down the drive just as a car was coming down the street and the driver could not see Danny because of a parked car at the curb, fortunately he could see me running toward the street and had slowed enough to slam on the brakes when Danny darted out in front of him. The old man was a little shaken, I was scared and Danny was scared as he stood in front of a car that had just come to a screeching halt about two feet from him, he started to cry although I am not sure that at that age he knew why. I picked up my son and apologized to the old man as he breathed heavily, Danny's crying brought Linda to the scene and she took him from me as I explained what had just happened. Linda held Danny with his face buried in her neck and walked away quietly talking to him in a soothing tone that calmed him. As for me I got the " you have to keep an eye on the baby at all times " speech.


     Then there was the time Linda went grocery shopping and left me to watch Danny, we were in the garage Danny was playing in the saw dust on the floor when a neighbor walked up and he and I started talking. As my neighbor and I continued to talk  Danny lost interest in saw dust and started to wander around the garage, I followed him out of the corner of my eye but became momentarily distracted which was enough time for him to get into trouble. I heard him cry out and turned to find a coke bottle which had acetone in it laying on the floor and Danny was wiping at his face. Without saying a word to my neighbor I swooped Danny up in my arms and rushed into the shower stall in our bedroom. I turned the cold water on full blast and with Danny's head resting in one of my hands and the other hand holding tightly to his ankles I held him under the cold shower to wash away any of the acetone.
     It was about this time that Linda comes home and hears Danny's screams from the near drowning he was undergoing and she walked into the bathroom. There we were, both of us fully clothed and soaking wet, Danny in a nearly upside down position was sputtering as the shower briskly sprayed in his face, his little arms flailed at the water as he tried to cry out. Linda was upset as we checked Danny out and determined him to be ok, once again I got the keep your eye on the kid speech accompanied by the I just can't leave you alone with him. It was some time before Danny and I could enjoy a little guy time with out mom within earshot.
   

     Now with all of my problems pertaining to parenthood this is not to say that Linda was perfect, she was a great mother, she loved both boys with all her heart and did everything in her power to make sure they reached adulthood as young men that we could be proud of, in that respect she was very successful despite my ineptitude and my not always being around. She did though have her own troubles which I didn't always find out about until after the fact.
     There was the time, when we lived in California, she and the boys had gone on a day trip, Danny who was about six at the time was apparently acting up and Linda, her nerves frayed, had had enough  so she pulled over to the side of the interstate and made him get out of the car and she drove off. She didn't go far and Danny got the point.
     Danny was such a handful as a preteen it was even money if it would be Linda or one of his teachers who would kill him prior to his reaching puberty. There was the night I called home to tell Linda I was working late, Clay answered and quickly told me Danny had removed a window screen in his room and jumped to the ground running off to who knows where. Linda was not concerned and actually seemed somewhat relieved. I rushed home and went to his friends house and brought him home.


     When Clay was just a baby he developed a fever and even started turning blue, Linda was alone with the boys, I was at work. Fortunately the girl next door was at home and drove Linda to the nearest clinic as Linda gave mouth to mouth to Clay. Once they reached the clinic the doctors packed Clay in ice to get his fever down, he survived.


     These are but a few of the perils of parenthood, for my part I can say that Linda was probably right, left to my own defenses I should not have been left alone with the boys, their survival was solely due to their mothers efforts, she loved them, took care of them, watched over them and turned them into men who are a credit to her name, a legacy which she was very proud of.  

Grandpa's Day Out

                                         Grandpa's Day Out




     These last couple of years watching MJ grow have really been great, it is amazing how much energy and enjoyment can come from such a small bundle. I wish I could see the world with the same innocent view that MJ does but like anyone over the age of eight I have to be content to watch the expressions of her face shift from amazement to wonder and awe then listen to her limited vocabulary of oohs and wows.
      I had promised Marie that I would come over a couple of times a week and watch MJ so that Marie could get some rest. I have been waiting for a nice day to take MJ outside and that day finally arrived although it was a little foggy and not as warm as I had hoped it was tolerable. Today there would be no Mommy or Daddy or Aunts, just MJ and me.
      Once MJ was dressed in her pink jacket, jeans and pink boots I grabbed her back pack that was loaded with all of the necessities needed to take a two year old more that fifty feet from home. We headed for a nearby park that had a pond with ducks, geese and a playground with swings and slides. This is the park where Sis and I brought her when we baby sat her a few weeks ago. The pond was good sized and held a collection of ducks and geese some of whom had a rather questionable heritage according to their coloring but they were a fascination for MJ and quite willing to eat the bread as she tossed it to them.
     Today we were the only ones at the park and I was able to stand back and watch MJ as she explored her surroundings unencumbered with anybody pulling her away or trying to talk her into going some place she didn't want to go. She would pickup pine cones and hold them up to me and say " look " or " wow ", some things were even "cool ". She was fascinated with small twigs, broken sticks and rocks that she would have to dig out of the gravel with her fingers. These common place things which we as adults tend to walk over without thought garner intense interest on her part at least until some other trinket catches her eye. She was like a honey bee going from flower to flower seeking honey only in her case she was seeking knowledge. It was like Christmas morning, everything was a present to be opened and played with until the next gift was unwrapped. There was the hole in the netting on the tennis court that she had to bend over to look at and then giggle with delight. She showed intense interest in a piece of flaking paint from the tennis court and curiously examined it as she said "ooh", she carried it around for about ten minutes refusing to give it up until she found a bottle cap.
     Then we found a shallow puddle of water that made a splashing sound when she stomped thru it in her boots, she giggled with delight as she ran back and forth thru the puddle. She didn't stop until a goose flew by flapping it's wings during a short flight to the pond, she watched wide eyed and simply said "wow" then it was off to find a yet undiscovered object of delight. There were goose feathers, dirt and surprisingly a yellow crayon, nothing escaped her eagle eyes.
     I let her walk every where, as she started up a hill she would grab a hold of my finger to steady herself. She was constantly looking around and pointing to something saying "look", not knowing if she was pointing near or far Grandpa just said "un huh" and she moved on. I can't wait for her to talk more clearly, there is so much I want to say to her.
     Walking around she would see things like the worn out and faded paint on the tennis court, I don't know what the original colors were but now they were a faded red trimmed with a black border that has faded to a bluish tint and stripped in white. MJ ran to the colors bent over pointing and saying "red, blue or white ".
     Lunch time was fast approaching so I loaded her up and we took off to Grandpa's house, the weather was still a little wimpy so she watched some Disney channel while she ate. I pulled out my copy of Monster's Inc., she clapped and said "yea". Once the movie started she crawled up on the couch and snuggled in next to me. I have to say moments like these are the reason I enjoy being a Grandpa.
     After the movie it was nap time, I had prepared the trundle bed for her to sleep on and had already laid out several stuffed animals. I picked her up along with Baby and a large pink rabbit and walked into the bedroom. I thought she would lay down with the stuffed animals on the bed but when I sat her down she tossed the blanket to the side, placed Baby and the rabbit at the other end of the bed, flopped face first next to Baby and was out like a light. All I could do was stand there with envy of her ability to fall asleep so fast, innocence, ain't it grand.
     While MJ slept I relaxed on the couch watching TV wanting to take my own nap but knowing I needed to be alert for her. It was quiet, no laughter, giggles or sounds of astonishment, I had time to think and remember back to a time when her Dad was two years old. Those were good days, I didn't travel or work as much back then and I was proud of my son. I used to put him on my shoulders and walk around the small neighborhood stopping to talk or let the older people touch and look at him, they were probably remembering their happier days just as I am now.
     MJ woke up several hours later, just as she always does, talking to her stuffed animals until someone comes for her. When I walked in she sat up with a smile on her face and held out her arms to me. A quick diaper change and she was ready to go again, she played for a little while and then it was time to go home.
     I look forward to the next outing and the next and the next. There was so much I missed out on with Danny and Clay because of my work, I feel that I have a second chance with MJ. There is a problem though, MJ's little brother Matthew is only a month old but in two years he will be the same as MJ is today soaking up knowledge like a sponge, filling my life with laughter and giggles. Matthew will be two, MJ will be four and Grandpa will seventy, I am sure I will be tested but I can say for certain I will never tire of laughter and giggles, hugs and kisses.
     I gotta say, I enjoy being a Grandpa !
    
    

Linda Stories

                                       
                                                       Linda Stories


                                 Accident Prone

     When Linda and I were dating my dad called to tell me my brother Pat was going into the Navy and would I want his car, just take over the payments. Up until this time I would hitchhike from the base in Cocoa Beach to Linda's house a distance of about 20 miles, at least two of those miles involved walking so obviously my answer was yes. The car was a six year old 1960 Ford in good condition.
     Funds were limited in those days, I only made $49.00 every two weeks but I had to have a car. I took leave and went home to get the car. I left Nashville with probably no more than $25 -$35 which should have been enough but then I wasn't counting on the generator going bad, to make a long story short I arrived back at the base with fumes in my tank and empty pockets.
     Linda and I made good use of the car, we were both proud of it. I decided that Linda needed to learn to drive it. She protested at first but I kept at her until she finally got behind the wheel. The street she lived on was short and you had to turn onto a rather busy two lane road. There was no power steering in the car, to make a sharp turn required having to turn the steering wheel completely around at least twice. Traffic was heavy going left so I had Linda turn right, she pulled out and started to make the turn but she failed to turn sharp enough and we wound up getting hit almost head-on.  Our injuries were light, mostly bruises but the car was totaled and Linda received a citation.
      Linda was very upset about the wreck, after all she had totaled my car. Any other suitor might have walked away taking this incident as an omen of things to come but I didn't see it that way. I may have lost the car but I still had the girl.
     This was accident number 1.


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     In 1972 we bought our first new car, it was a 1972 Dodge Demon the cheapest model they had, no carpet, air conditioning or automatic transmission and the seats were vinyl. To be honest gas prices were rising sharply and I could no longer afford my 69 GTO.
     I was working at a bank downtown and spent days at a time chasing people who wouldn't pay their bills and the bank provided me with a company car. Most of the time Linda road a bus to work so she would only need our car for grocery shopping and the like.
     One night I returned home and there sat the Demon in the drive, I noticed that the right front fender appeared as if someone had tried to open it with a giant can opener. I went inside where Linda was sitting on the couch crocheting. When I asked her what happened to the car she just gave me a strange look. She honestly had no idea of the damage.
     I finally deduced that two nights prior there had been a heavy rain storm and Linda had been caught out in it, rather than pull over to the side of the road and wait for it to pass she just slowed down and kept going ( she could be stubborn like that ). One part of the route home was a short curvy stretch of road that passed a house where a plumber lived and he often parked his work truck in the drive and that night it must have had a pipe protruding from the bed and Linda hit it as she passed by.
     We never fixed the fender we drove the car for another year or so and sold it as is to a mailman in the country. I suspect he never fixed it either.
     This was accident number 2.


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     Not long after we bought the previously mentioned Demon I had an opportunity to purchase a boat from a bank I worked with in Muscle Shoals, Al. The bank had repossessed the boat and needed to get rid of it and after several months made me a deal I couldn't pass up. It was a nice boat that originally cost about $4ooo and I got it for $1900. It was 18 ft. in length, tri hull design, walk thru windshield with a 125 hp. Johnson engine.
     We spent every weekend at the lake waterskiing or camping or both, we enjoyed the lake so much we bought a house just 200 yards from the water and kept the boat at a boat dock so we didn't have to be troubled with launching and loading the boat whenever we wanted to use it.
     One Saturday before we moved to the lake we picked up my little brother Ronnie and went to the lake for a day of waterskiing. Everything went fine until Linda, who was driving the boat with Ronnie sitting beside her, turned into this cove that was long and narrow. She quickly saw that there was other boat traffic in the cove headed her way. There was a side cove to the right, it was small but more importantly shallow and strewn with rocks. I  knew very well what was about to happen so I tried pulling on the rope to get Linda's attention but to no avail and finally I just tossed the rope in the air and settled into knee deep water. Linda kept going and hit some rocks going full blast, the engine raised up in the air and slammed down hard on the transom and raced at high speed before shutting down. I walked over to the boat and I must say I was pissed, I remember not saying anything at all. I checked the engine and found that all of the propeller blades had been sheared off to some extent, there was a dent in the lower unit but the motor ran.
     We were about a mile from he dock and the motor would barely make headway so it was a long quiet ride back. When we got to the dock I stepped out and tied up the boat and walked to the car, got in and started it, Linda and Ronnie were so concerned over my silence they ran to keep up so they wouldn't be left behind. I dropped Ronnie off at home without getting out of the car, when I reached our house I walked straight to the bedroom and went to bed. In all this time I never said a word.
     About an hour later I stirred in my sleep and awoke to find Linda stuffing clothes in a suitcase, tears were silently running down her cheeks.When I asked where she was going she said she was leaving me because she broke everything I had and didn't want to cause me anymore pain, I would be better off without her. I can't get down to details but let's just say that after pulling her down on the bed and kissing away the tears and telling her how much I loved her, I convinced her to unpack.
     Days later I found out that all the boat needed was a new $30 propeller, a far cry from what I thought. Linda learned to stay out of that shallow cove and I still cherish the memory of kissing away Linda's tears.
     That was accident number 3.


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     Things went pretty well for the next twenty years or so. It was sometime in the late nineties when I came home one night to find the Ford Taurus Linda drove was gone but Linda was home. Seems she had been out shopping and was stopped at a light when a cement truck rear ended her totaling
 the car.
     I wasn't involved in this and Linda assured me that it was all being taken care of, Linda was unhurt and that was the important thing.
     This was accident number 4.



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     Next comes the Dodge pickup truck we purchased in the later nineties. During this period I worked a very late second shift and Linda made doughnuts for the Ingles store often going to work around four in the morning, she drove the truck.
     One morning I was turning into the subdivision just as Linda was turning on to the hi-way. I glanced into the rear view mirror and noticed there was only one tail light showing. I turned around and drove to Ingles, Linda was already inside when I pulled along side the truck.  There it was, the right rear taillight busted and a piece if tree bark was embedded in it. Linda had no idea what had happened.
     Once I got home the sun was starting to come up and it didn't take long to figure things out. Linda had somehow managed to hit a small oak tree while backing out of the drive. Linda said it was dark  and our truck windows were dark tinted so she couldn't see the side mirrors while backing up. That was her story and she was sticking to it, beyond that I still haven't figured out how she managed to back up the drive and run into a tree four feet away from the driveway.
     I repaired the truck cheaply enough and decided Linda may need more room while backing so I cut down the tree. I liked that tree.
     This was accident number 5.



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     In 2007 we bought a new Ford truck, this was to be the last vehicle we would own, this was the truck the boys would fight over when we were gone, and it well may be after all.
     Not long after Linda was diagnosed with her heart troubles, she went shopping in Athens. I was in the garage when she pulled up, she got out of the truck and said " I'm alright ". The truck was a different story, the most obvious thing was the right side of the front bumper was actually bent around into the wheel well and folded back on itself, this was a steel bumper mind you. Other than that, most of the front end had to be replaced as well as the right front door. Total repair cost about $8500.
     Seems that Linda was on her way home and realized she was in the wrong lane and before she could change lanes the car in front of her stopped. The lady in the other car told police that she was not hurt but not surprisingly racked up a decent medical bill later, the whole thing wound up costing $38,000 .
     Linda was already starting to have some medical issues so I decided to retire her from driving, from that point on I drove her where ever she needed to go, I didn't mind as I got to hold her hand as I drove.
     The truck is still going, it has 110,000 miles and according to Ford after charging me $650 for a tune up it is good for another 100,000 miles. We'll see about that.
     This was accident number 6.

     Update: it is now 2023, the truck has about 158,000 miles. I only use it to tow the boat to the lake or pick up lumber at Lowe's.


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     Now before you assume that I never had an accident I must in all honesty say that I had my share. There was the new 1980 Chevy Malibu that I was driving when a woman decide she wanted my space on the road. We also had a Chevy Monte Carlo I was driving home from work when a big deer decided run across the road. The above mentioned Dodge truck attracted deer like flies, I killed two of them at the same spot in the road a year apart.
     These accidents that Linda seemed to be prone to were often a source of humor to our friends and a momentary irritant to me. Linda did several things that would make me bite my tongue but I could never stay mad at her, I loved her too much.
     I wish she were here now, I would let her drive the truck.



    
    

The Reason

                           The Reason






     Every now and then I scroll down thru the list of articles that I have written in this blog, to the side of the list is a number which denotes how many times the article has been viewed. Some of the stories have been read once or twice some twenty to thirty times and a few as many as sixty plus. I have often wondered why one article has been viewed more often than another. Once in a while I will scroll the titles and one will catch my eye and I will read it again, it may invoke new memories for future stories or simply allow me the pleasure of reliving a cherished moment in time, either way they are all important to me though some are closer to my heart than others.
     Of course the subject matter varies by story and I imagine that my passion for the story varies also but then the reader wouldn't know these things until they had read the story, maybe the title is what caught their attention. The most read article is titled " Sleepless Nights " was viewed 87 times to date, it is about the wandering memories in the sleep deprived mind of an old man. The next most read is " You Can't Pick Your Relatives " a somewhat comical piece on the ancestry of the clan, it has been viewed 84 times. With 74 views "Happy Holiday " is simply a longing for the way things used to be.
     My most passionate piece is titled simply "Linda", it took me weeks to write, it has been viewed 63 times. It was written during one of the darkest hours of my life. This story holds a special place in my heart, I can only hope I got it right.
      I started this blog for my sons and the future generations of their children, I am proud that so many people have taken an interest. The reason people read one story more than another is not important, the fact that they read the story at all is the important thing, if someone else finds pleasure in my work then maybe there is some purpose to my life after all, a reason to keep going.



                                             ________________________________________



     It is now four years later, I have not written anything for six months. I didn't really take a break or have writers block, I just got busy and lost track of time. My time has not been wasted, I have been working on a book and it was just published.
     My friend Charles, a member of our support group, is a publisher of sorts and he has been after me to publish my blog. We got together at one of our luncheons last fall and he suggested that I write a book about dealing with grief from a man's point of view. After much thought I gave it a go, several rewrites and edits the book was published. In the beginning I wasn't sure what to say but the words did come and I am proud of the results, if just one person is helped by reading my book then I will consider it successful, I do hope it helps many people.
     I recently upgraded to a lap top and it has allowed me to multi task ( watch TV and write stories at the same time ). The flood gates opened for me, in about two weeks time I turned out ten stories and have four or five more in draft status. Some of these stories came from me going back through the stories I had already written, I jiggled written words and new memories fell in place on the pages. Some times that is all it takes.
     While going through previous stories I noticed that some of the old stories gained in the number of times they have been viewed. Readership for "Sleepless Nights"picked up eight more views which is really not much, "Linda" picked up twelve while "Happy Holidays' gained seventy six but the biggest by far was "You Can't Pick Your Relatives" jumped from eighty six views four years ago to four hundred and fourteen today, I don't know four hundred people. Many other postings gained readership and I am elated, why so many people took the time to check out my blog I can't say but I am happy they did.
     I you are interested check out my book "The Next Chapter", it will be available on Amazon, Barnes and Noble and Know It All Publications.
   
     

The Letter

                                                         The Letter


    I am participating in a grief support group with the hope that I can come to terms with the passing of Linda. We were given an exercise to write a letter to someone unfamiliar with the details of Linda's death. I thought about this for awhile and determined that the only people I know that are unaware of how Linda died are my Grandchildren, Michaela 2 yrs. old and Matthew a little over two weeks old, so I decided the letter must go to them, they are her legacy.


Dear Michaela and Matthew,

     I know that you are to young to remember your Grandmother Linda, she was very upset that MJ would not remember her and you Matthew would never be held in her arms. I made her a promise that you would know her thru the stories I will write in this blog and those told by your parents, Uncle Clay  and Aunt Maggie and others. How she died is one of those stories and as you read this it is important that you know that she was not only a loving and caring person but also very brave in how she faced life.
     During the month of March 2011 Linda developed trouble breathing and went to a doctor who diagnosed her with allergies. This was strange because she had never had allergies before but then she was getting older and physical change for older people is not uncommon so she took the medicines with the hope of getting better. While on a camping trip a couple of weeks later she seemed no better if not worse, when we got home she asked me to take her the emergency room.
     The doctors quickly determined that she had fluid built up in her lungs and admitted her. Over the next few days the fluid was drained, test were run and the doctors told her she had congestive heart failure. I will leave you to read up on this disease to save me from having to write about something that I will probably not get right but in a nut shell a weakened heart causes the lungs to occasionally fill up with fluid causing the heart to work harder which in turn weakens the heart with each episode.
     The goal that the doctors gave her was to not let the fluids build up and to meet that goal they sent her home with instructions on how to manage her diet and exercise as well as a full regiment of medications to be consumed at various times of the day and night, beyond that she could do anything she wanted. Upon arriving home and informing friends and relatives of her condition several people told us that they knew all along it was her heart and not allergies then they told us how people they knew lived for years with the same condition so don't worry about it.
     We went about the process of living. Linda would spend hours crocheting baby blankets for an organization called Newborns in Need, she would take care of her flowers and watch humming birds, finches and wrens from her deck. We took day trips to more than forty state parks and a long weekend trip to Florida with our friends Ken and Marlene, they had never walked on the sand and looked out over the ocean. We went to visit my sister Vickie when she was a camp host in south Georgia. We did all these things while fitting in doctor visits and several short hospital stays to drain fluids from her lungs. Life was different now but Linda was determined not to let her health get in the way.
     2012 started out to be a pretty good year, in the spring your parents gave us the news that they were going to have a baby ( that would be you MJ ) our first Grandchild and they moved into their house. My friend Ken and I went fishing in Florida a couple of times with Aunt Maggie's dad. There were still doctor visits and medication adjustments/changes and a couple of short hospital stays but thru it all her doctors were very optimistic and always positive about the outlook. Her health seemed to have leveled out, she got around ok without any assistance but I stayed close and took her every where she needed to go. Thanksgiving came and went without too much difficulty but then things took a turn and not for the better  
     A few days before you were born MJ your Grandmother suddenly took a turn for the worse. One minute she was fine and talking to me the next she couldn't breathe very well and asked me to take her to the emergency room but before I could get her ready she asked for an ambulance. I watched as they started hooking her up to oxygen and monitors in the ambulance as they tried to stabilize her for the trip. The emergency room doctors and nurses hovered over her as if she were their mother or sister. Linda was losing her fight and unless she had a tube inserted in her throat to help her breathe she would not survive the night, she spent the next few days in intensive care with wires and tubes attached to various parts of her body.
     She pulled thru and was moved to a room for recovery, more testing and along with that another diagnosis. Now she had blockage in the arteries of her heart, by-pass surgery was necessary but her heart was not strong enough for her to survive the operation so she spent several days in the hospital building up her strength.
     With all of this going on, you, MJ, was ready to meet the world, your long awaited arrival could not be put off. Linda was in Athens Regional Hospital and about three miles away at St Mary's Hospital you were making your grand entrance, the details of which I will let your mom and dad tell you. Linda's nursing staff, knowing full well her condition and the slim chances of surviving the operation, were kind enough to put her in a wheelchair and take her to a little dining area on the main floor of the hospital where your mom and dad met us so she could see and hold you. Holding you in her arms put a brighter light in her eyes and a smile on her face. Up until she held you in her arms she had told me that she was ready to go but you gave her the will to live. Linda survived the surgery, spent several more days connected to machines and monitors with wires and tubes, then more time in recovery for a total of 14 days. Although this was not the best Christmas we ever had it was a good one Linda came home and we had a Granddaughter to cherish.
     2013 started off good, Linda was feeling better and the prognosis was good although her recent stay in the hospital divulged another problem, the main arteries going down to her legs were severely blocked which meant another operation and another doctor to see. This new doctor was a vascular surgeon who after several visits finally told Linda her heart was not strong enough to survive an operation of this type so all that could be done was to monitor the condition. This was not really the news we were looking for. Later in the spring a pacemaker / defibulator was implanted in her chest.
     That summer was a good summer, there were a couple of short trips to the hospital but nothing major, in fact the fall period went quite well, Ken and I got another fishing trip to Florida and Linda and I made a few more short trips. Your Grandmother was enjoying a long period of good weeks and months without a visit to the emergency room, she would brag to people about how many months it had been since her last emergency room visit. Thanksgiving and Christmas went very well and she enjoyed watching her Granddaughter run around laughing and giggling ( actually you crawled but were very close to walking ), you made this Christmas the best one in many years..
     2014 brought little change, she had not been to the emergency room in several months but little by little her strength and stamina deteriorated, we purchased a wheelchair and a walker. When I took her shopping she had to use a motorized wheelchair provided by the stores, if none were available she sat on a bench while I ran around the store shopping for her.
     I think this was about the time reality over took, she told me I should start looking for another wife to take care of me, someone who liked to fish. She was sad that she probably would not live long enough for her Granddaughter to remember her. I know that she knew her time in this life was not going to be to be as long as she had hoped for but she continued to be positive and always thought of other people first just as she had always done.
     We talked about taking a trip to the mountains and another to Florida, there were so many things we wanted to do together. I pressed her for a date for the Florida trip, she cried when she told me she did not want to go because she would not have the strength to walk on the beach as she had always done whenever we went to Florida.
     Late in the spring your mom and dad told us that another Grandchild was on the way, that would be you Matthew. The prospect of a Grandson was exciting for us both.
     The last week in June Linda's leg had started to swell, sores appeared on her foot and fluid started to fill her lungs so we went to the hospital where she was admitted. The prognosis was not good, the doctors asked if she had given thought to her end of life wishes. The next day her cardiologist called to talk to me about hospice care as he didn't think that I would be able to take care of her by myself, I pressed him to be more specific and he told me she had months to live, he wouldn't say how many. I got off the phone, sat beside her and told her the news, tears came to my eyes as they are doing now, there was a huge lump in my throat. She told me it was alright she was ready to go but she was worried about me. We both felt and hoped the end would be sometime next year, it had to be because she had a Grandson she wanted to see. She had a new goal, a reason to keep fighting, you gave her new hope Matthew. After about ten days in the hospital her vital signs improved and she was sent home, the hospice nurses met us.
    Although I had been doing most things for her our rolls completely reversed, she had taken care of me, your father and Uncle for many years and it was now my turn to take of her. I had to help her in and out of her chair, push her from room to room on her walker and stand by the shower in case she fell.
     Linda's optimism was courageous, she was sure she would be here for the birth of her Grandson and she made plans accordingly. She continued making baby blankets although she lacked the strength to sit up and work on them for very long. By the end of July I knew she would not see Thanksgiving but for her I stayed positive and supportive. Inside I wanted to strike out at something or someone, this couldn't be happening to her, it wasn't fair, she had so much to live for.
      In August she became bedridden, she was unable to make the short trip to the bathroom so we had a portable potty next to the bed. Lacking the strength to stand by herself I would put my arms around her and her arms around my neck pulling her a standing position then lower her to the seat and back again. It was during these times that I would hold her in my arms, kiss her and tell how much I loved her, during the bad times she would lay her head on my chest and cry but not for long. The nights and days became arduous for both of us, they were long and sleep, often interrupted, usually limited to a couple of hours at a time. Friends and family came by often and she never said she was too sick to see them. She talked with them, laughed with them and let them cry but she never once cried with them her optimism was heroic. Judy Loftin told her she was brave but Linda didn't think so.
     By September she was losing ground fast, now totally bedridden, the hospice nurses were here on a daily basis and even several times were called in the middle of the night. I called the family together sometime around the tenth, we sat around her and talked to her, we watched as she slowly slipped away from us. Just as she was about to slip into a coma in one of her moments of clarity she called for me and when I sat beside her she spoke her last words " I love you, I love you " then she slipped into a coma. When we were alone I held her hand and with tears in my eyes I told her I didn't want her to leave me but her work in this life was done it was ok for her to leave, I told her I loved her and would miss her. Later that night of September 12 my sister Vickie was going to administer some medicine when Linda opened her eyes and looked around and took her last breath, I was not with her at that moment but I am glad Vickie was, she did not die alone.
     Several days later Linda's cardiologist called to offer his condolences, he told me that she put up a valiant fight to live, he told me that he remembered the first time he saw her in the hospital some three years before he thought then that she would not live more than a few months. I think the two of you played a very big role in her survival.
     I remember a conversation I once had with one of my bosses many years ago, we were talking about our wives and how much trouble we sometimes put them thru, he said then that we both had better wives than we deserved, in my case I knew he was right. Were I able to live my life again I doubt I could be so fortunate to find Linda again but if I did I couldn't love her more than I do now.
     It will be many years before either of you will read this or any of the stories I have written or will yet write in these spaces but it is important that you know you had a Grandmother that was a beautiful, caring person and loved you both dearly.



     Grandpa
    
    
    
   
    

Half My Heart Is In Heaven

   


               Half My Heart Is In Heaven

   It is five months since Linda passed away and my heart is still broken, I struggle daily to move forward but there is an emptiness I have to deal with and it seems to pop-up quite often. Linda gave me a purpose, she was my reason for everything I did and without her it is difficult to maintain any order, it is easy to find reasons to do nothing.
     My friend John recently asked how many years Linda and I were married and when I told him he did the math in his head and then asked me if I have ever been alone, after a few thoughtful moments I told him that except for the year prior to meeting Linda no I had never been alone there was always someone in my life to come home to, for forty seven years it was Linda. 
     The girl next door told me that her grandmother said the nighttime was the loneliest time for her after her husband died. I have found that to be true as the house is quiet even when the TV is blaring away. I am also finding there are other moments when Linda's absence weighs heavy in my thoughts such as family gatherings. I am trying very hard to move forward as that is what Linda wanted me to do but just as I think I might be making headway something happens that I regress. 
     A couple of nights prior to Thanksgiving a neighbor was walking her dog after dark and noticed that there was only one of my lawn lights that was burning, she was one of Linda's friends and she stopped in to tell me about the light and how it struck her that it was a sign from Linda that she was watching over us. I lost it at that moment and started to cry just as I cried the morning after Linda had died, the pain I had thought to be diminishing returned, the neighbor hugged me, cried with me then apologized for making me sad then left. 
     Two days later I went to Danny and Marie's house for Thanksgiving , Clay and Maggie were there along with Linda's sister Vicky and her family, the family was complete yet it was not.  Although no one said anything Linda's absence was on my mind thru out the day as my thoughts went back to the festive gatherings of the past, several times I felt the sadness of the day as the memories crept into my thoughts. Twice I had to go outside and clear my head, several times I just hugged MJ tighter. I was invited to go with Danny and Marie to another gathering but I declined and went home to a quiet house where the loneliness, this time, was somewhat welcoming.
     The holiday weekend was long and lonely as the memories ebbed in and out, several times the tears built up and couldn't be held back. Knowing that Christmas was only weeks away and having just experienced the sadness of Thanksgiving I was not looking forward to what should be the happy festivities of Linda's favorite day. 
     Friends have been sympathetic and well meaning  but it is hard to relate as they have yet to walk in my shoes. The boys are going thru their own grieving period but the "old school" mentality makes it difficult for me to talk to them about their mother. Many times  since Linda passed I have wondered if I am depressed I tend to shrug it off saying to myself I am strong, this will pass and though her memory will never fade I will learn to live with it and the heartache will lessen but Linda will remain clear in my thoughts. How much more time is needed to take away the pain? My therapist says a time will come when the memories will be pleasant and bring smiles to my heart instead of tears to my eyes, that time may not be tomorrow but it will come.
     Christmas has now come and gone, there were no stockings hung from the mantel this year, I did put out the ceramic tree that Linda made many years ago and there are no presents. The gathering at Vicky's house went alright although I was tense. It was lonely driving home, this was the first Christmas without Linda since 1968. Christmas Day at Danny's house was better MJ's laughter was like magic in the air.
     As the weeks and months pass by I think I am getting better, the moments of sadness seem to be fewer  though just as tense. Recently I have been spending a lot of time with MJ, Sis and I took her to a park to feed the ducks and she just spent several days away from home at my house while Mom and Dad went to get her little brother. I look forward to being a part of her life and seeing the world thru her eyes. Matthew's arrival brought moments of sadness because Linda wanted so much to live long enough to hold him, I will hold him for her.
     Some time back a pop-up appeared on the computer screen for jewelry. A particular necklace caught my eye,  it was half of a broken heart with the inscription " Half My Heart Is In Heaven", the sentiment is appropriate for the way I feel and probably will feel for some time to come. Linda was my better half and I don't want to let her go.