I Love You

                                                           I Love You





     " Death is the great equalizer. It puts all things in their rightful perspective. It neutralizes transgressions, resentments and disappointments. If there is only a single chance to say something -- I love you is the most important thing we can say to each other. "

     Stephanie Ericsson
     Companion Through The Darkness


     I love you - the most endearing of sentiments between two people, probably the most used and sought after of expressions. Hugs, kisses, hand holding or whispering sweet words of prose into ones ear can only attain second place to I love you. Women are better at saying I love you than men, I think it is because they mature faster than men, so I have been told. Maybe it is because women are more prone to sentimentality and romance. Men on the other hand have no time for any sentiment that might be construed as a weakness, again - so I have been told.
     I grew up with out being told I was loved, sentimentality was a perceived thing. Consequently when I met Linda I had very little experience with love much less expressing it. I don't know which of us said it first, it could have been me as Linda was somewhat of a hard sell, she forced me to break tradition with my upbringing. What matters is that Linda was the first person I ever told that I loved them and she was the first person to ever tell me that they loved me. We said such things only when we were alone, after all this was nothing to be blurted out for the whole world to hear. We did love each other and would seek out opportunities for a quick kiss followed by an I love you or I would whisper I love you in her ear as I hugged her. Our letters written to each other when I was in Vietnam were littered with I love you's and signed I love you.
      All that was in the beginning, as we matured so did our love for each other. We sometimes stumbled and sometimes the storm clouds started to gather but we loved each other so much the fear of parting was unbearable so we fought to stay together, the words "I love you" turned disagreements into moments of shear bliss and dried the tears of despair.
     Most of her life Linda fought off depression, holding her tight and telling her how much I loved her as she cried was the only thing that kept her from sliding over the edge. Linda was a person that needed to be loved and I needed someone to love, we were a perfect fit for each other. Linda was the one who taught me to love her.
     Her illness did little to diminish what we had, if anything it strengthened our feelings for each other. Saying I love you several times a day became the norm, hugging was more frequent as were kisses and whispers in the ear. The last months, weeks and days of her life were no different than any other time just maybe more desperate. I tried to make I love you sound more sincere the hugs tighter and longer lasting, her happiness was more important than my sorrow.
     The above quote is from a book which was homework from my grief support group. The last words Linda spoke were to me, she said " I love you, I love you ", of all the times we said these words to each other this time is the one I will never forget. I don't know if she heard the last I love you I said to her but I like to think she did.
     Months have passed, the stress of loneliness is continuous, the pain of remembrance is still strong, the tears of sorrow still cloud my vision. Not long ago the house reverberated with the sound of Linda's voice, now it is haunted by her silence.  No more kisses, no more hugs, no more I love you's.
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     Today is March 30, 2015, it should be Linda's 66th birthday, were she still here she would be pleased that I remembered, I have forgotten my share of birthdays and paid the price for my forgetfulness. Instead of a celebration this day has become another reminder that Linda is not here, June is the month of our anniversary, September will mark the day of her death, then the holidays will start the cycle over again. I am told that someday these milestones will be marked with happy memories that make me smile and be thankful for the time we shared. Today I am sad not for the memories but that I miss my Linda.
     I Love You Sweetheart, Happy Birthday.