The Reason

                           The Reason






     Every now and then I scroll down thru the list of articles that I have written in this blog, to the side of the list is a number which denotes how many times the article has been viewed. Some of the stories have been read once or twice some twenty to thirty times and a few as many as sixty plus. I have often wondered why one article has been viewed more often than another. Once in a while I will scroll the titles and one will catch my eye and I will read it again, it may invoke new memories for future stories or simply allow me the pleasure of reliving a cherished moment in time, either way they are all important to me though some are closer to my heart than others.
     Of course the subject matter varies by story and I imagine that my passion for the story varies also but then the reader wouldn't know these things until they had read the story, maybe the title is what caught their attention. The most read article is titled " Sleepless Nights " was viewed 87 times to date, it is about the wandering memories in the sleep deprived mind of an old man. The next most read is " You Can't Pick Your Relatives " a somewhat comical piece on the ancestry of the clan, it has been viewed 84 times. With 74 views "Happy Holiday " is simply a longing for the way things used to be.
     My most passionate piece is titled simply "Linda", it took me weeks to write, it has been viewed 63 times. It was written during one of the darkest hours of my life. This story holds a special place in my heart, I can only hope I got it right.
      I started this blog for my sons and the future generations of their children, I am proud that so many people have taken an interest. The reason people read one story more than another is not important, the fact that they read the story at all is the important thing, if someone else finds pleasure in my work then maybe there is some purpose to my life after all, a reason to keep going.



                                             ________________________________________



     It is now four years later, I have not written anything for six months. I didn't really take a break or have writers block, I just got busy and lost track of time. My time has not been wasted, I have been working on a book and it was just published.
     My friend Charles, a member of our support group, is a publisher of sorts and he has been after me to publish my blog. We got together at one of our luncheons last fall and he suggested that I write a book about dealing with grief from a man's point of view. After much thought I gave it a go, several rewrites and edits the book was published. In the beginning I wasn't sure what to say but the words did come and I am proud of the results, if just one person is helped by reading my book then I will consider it successful, I do hope it helps many people.
     I recently upgraded to a lap top and it has allowed me to multi task ( watch TV and write stories at the same time ). The flood gates opened for me, in about two weeks time I turned out ten stories and have four or five more in draft status. Some of these stories came from me going back through the stories I had already written, I jiggled written words and new memories fell in place on the pages. Some times that is all it takes.
     While going through previous stories I noticed that some of the old stories gained in the number of times they have been viewed. Readership for "Sleepless Nights"picked up eight more views which is really not much, "Linda" picked up twelve while "Happy Holidays' gained seventy six but the biggest by far was "You Can't Pick Your Relatives" jumped from eighty six views four years ago to four hundred and fourteen today, I don't know four hundred people. Many other postings gained readership and I am elated, why so many people took the time to check out my blog I can't say but I am happy they did.
     I you are interested check out my book "The Next Chapter", it will be available on Amazon, Barnes and Noble and Know It All Publications.
   
     

The Letter

                                                         The Letter


    I am participating in a grief support group with the hope that I can come to terms with the passing of Linda. We were given an exercise to write a letter to someone unfamiliar with the details of Linda's death. I thought about this for awhile and determined that the only people I know that are unaware of how Linda died are my Grandchildren, Michaela 2 yrs. old and Matthew a little over two weeks old, so I decided the letter must go to them, they are her legacy.


Dear Michaela and Matthew,

     I know that you are to young to remember your Grandmother Linda, she was very upset that MJ would not remember her and you Matthew would never be held in her arms. I made her a promise that you would know her thru the stories I will write in this blog and those told by your parents, Uncle Clay  and Aunt Maggie and others. How she died is one of those stories and as you read this it is important that you know that she was not only a loving and caring person but also very brave in how she faced life.
     During the month of March 2011 Linda developed trouble breathing and went to a doctor who diagnosed her with allergies. This was strange because she had never had allergies before but then she was getting older and physical change for older people is not uncommon so she took the medicines with the hope of getting better. While on a camping trip a couple of weeks later she seemed no better if not worse, when we got home she asked me to take her the emergency room.
     The doctors quickly determined that she had fluid built up in her lungs and admitted her. Over the next few days the fluid was drained, test were run and the doctors told her she had congestive heart failure. I will leave you to read up on this disease to save me from having to write about something that I will probably not get right but in a nut shell a weakened heart causes the lungs to occasionally fill up with fluid causing the heart to work harder which in turn weakens the heart with each episode.
     The goal that the doctors gave her was to not let the fluids build up and to meet that goal they sent her home with instructions on how to manage her diet and exercise as well as a full regiment of medications to be consumed at various times of the day and night, beyond that she could do anything she wanted. Upon arriving home and informing friends and relatives of her condition several people told us that they knew all along it was her heart and not allergies then they told us how people they knew lived for years with the same condition so don't worry about it.
     We went about the process of living. Linda would spend hours crocheting baby blankets for an organization called Newborns in Need, she would take care of her flowers and watch humming birds, finches and wrens from her deck. We took day trips to more than forty state parks and a long weekend trip to Florida with our friends Ken and Marlene, they had never walked on the sand and looked out over the ocean. We went to visit my sister Vickie when she was a camp host in south Georgia. We did all these things while fitting in doctor visits and several short hospital stays to drain fluids from her lungs. Life was different now but Linda was determined not to let her health get in the way.
     2012 started out to be a pretty good year, in the spring your parents gave us the news that they were going to have a baby ( that would be you MJ ) our first Grandchild and they moved into their house. My friend Ken and I went fishing in Florida a couple of times with Aunt Maggie's dad. There were still doctor visits and medication adjustments/changes and a couple of short hospital stays but thru it all her doctors were very optimistic and always positive about the outlook. Her health seemed to have leveled out, she got around ok without any assistance but I stayed close and took her every where she needed to go. Thanksgiving came and went without too much difficulty but then things took a turn and not for the better  
     A few days before you were born MJ your Grandmother suddenly took a turn for the worse. One minute she was fine and talking to me the next she couldn't breathe very well and asked me to take her to the emergency room but before I could get her ready she asked for an ambulance. I watched as they started hooking her up to oxygen and monitors in the ambulance as they tried to stabilize her for the trip. The emergency room doctors and nurses hovered over her as if she were their mother or sister. Linda was losing her fight and unless she had a tube inserted in her throat to help her breathe she would not survive the night, she spent the next few days in intensive care with wires and tubes attached to various parts of her body.
     She pulled thru and was moved to a room for recovery, more testing and along with that another diagnosis. Now she had blockage in the arteries of her heart, by-pass surgery was necessary but her heart was not strong enough for her to survive the operation so she spent several days in the hospital building up her strength.
     With all of this going on, you, MJ, was ready to meet the world, your long awaited arrival could not be put off. Linda was in Athens Regional Hospital and about three miles away at St Mary's Hospital you were making your grand entrance, the details of which I will let your mom and dad tell you. Linda's nursing staff, knowing full well her condition and the slim chances of surviving the operation, were kind enough to put her in a wheelchair and take her to a little dining area on the main floor of the hospital where your mom and dad met us so she could see and hold you. Holding you in her arms put a brighter light in her eyes and a smile on her face. Up until she held you in her arms she had told me that she was ready to go but you gave her the will to live. Linda survived the surgery, spent several more days connected to machines and monitors with wires and tubes, then more time in recovery for a total of 14 days. Although this was not the best Christmas we ever had it was a good one Linda came home and we had a Granddaughter to cherish.
     2013 started off good, Linda was feeling better and the prognosis was good although her recent stay in the hospital divulged another problem, the main arteries going down to her legs were severely blocked which meant another operation and another doctor to see. This new doctor was a vascular surgeon who after several visits finally told Linda her heart was not strong enough to survive an operation of this type so all that could be done was to monitor the condition. This was not really the news we were looking for. Later in the spring a pacemaker / defibulator was implanted in her chest.
     That summer was a good summer, there were a couple of short trips to the hospital but nothing major, in fact the fall period went quite well, Ken and I got another fishing trip to Florida and Linda and I made a few more short trips. Your Grandmother was enjoying a long period of good weeks and months without a visit to the emergency room, she would brag to people about how many months it had been since her last emergency room visit. Thanksgiving and Christmas went very well and she enjoyed watching her Granddaughter run around laughing and giggling ( actually you crawled but were very close to walking ), you made this Christmas the best one in many years..
     2014 brought little change, she had not been to the emergency room in several months but little by little her strength and stamina deteriorated, we purchased a wheelchair and a walker. When I took her shopping she had to use a motorized wheelchair provided by the stores, if none were available she sat on a bench while I ran around the store shopping for her.
     I think this was about the time reality over took, she told me I should start looking for another wife to take care of me, someone who liked to fish. She was sad that she probably would not live long enough for her Granddaughter to remember her. I know that she knew her time in this life was not going to be to be as long as she had hoped for but she continued to be positive and always thought of other people first just as she had always done.
     We talked about taking a trip to the mountains and another to Florida, there were so many things we wanted to do together. I pressed her for a date for the Florida trip, she cried when she told me she did not want to go because she would not have the strength to walk on the beach as she had always done whenever we went to Florida.
     Late in the spring your mom and dad told us that another Grandchild was on the way, that would be you Matthew. The prospect of a Grandson was exciting for us both.
     The last week in June Linda's leg had started to swell, sores appeared on her foot and fluid started to fill her lungs so we went to the hospital where she was admitted. The prognosis was not good, the doctors asked if she had given thought to her end of life wishes. The next day her cardiologist called to talk to me about hospice care as he didn't think that I would be able to take care of her by myself, I pressed him to be more specific and he told me she had months to live, he wouldn't say how many. I got off the phone, sat beside her and told her the news, tears came to my eyes as they are doing now, there was a huge lump in my throat. She told me it was alright she was ready to go but she was worried about me. We both felt and hoped the end would be sometime next year, it had to be because she had a Grandson she wanted to see. She had a new goal, a reason to keep fighting, you gave her new hope Matthew. After about ten days in the hospital her vital signs improved and she was sent home, the hospice nurses met us.
    Although I had been doing most things for her our rolls completely reversed, she had taken care of me, your father and Uncle for many years and it was now my turn to take of her. I had to help her in and out of her chair, push her from room to room on her walker and stand by the shower in case she fell.
     Linda's optimism was courageous, she was sure she would be here for the birth of her Grandson and she made plans accordingly. She continued making baby blankets although she lacked the strength to sit up and work on them for very long. By the end of July I knew she would not see Thanksgiving but for her I stayed positive and supportive. Inside I wanted to strike out at something or someone, this couldn't be happening to her, it wasn't fair, she had so much to live for.
      In August she became bedridden, she was unable to make the short trip to the bathroom so we had a portable potty next to the bed. Lacking the strength to stand by herself I would put my arms around her and her arms around my neck pulling her a standing position then lower her to the seat and back again. It was during these times that I would hold her in my arms, kiss her and tell how much I loved her, during the bad times she would lay her head on my chest and cry but not for long. The nights and days became arduous for both of us, they were long and sleep, often interrupted, usually limited to a couple of hours at a time. Friends and family came by often and she never said she was too sick to see them. She talked with them, laughed with them and let them cry but she never once cried with them her optimism was heroic. Judy Loftin told her she was brave but Linda didn't think so.
     By September she was losing ground fast, now totally bedridden, the hospice nurses were here on a daily basis and even several times were called in the middle of the night. I called the family together sometime around the tenth, we sat around her and talked to her, we watched as she slowly slipped away from us. Just as she was about to slip into a coma in one of her moments of clarity she called for me and when I sat beside her she spoke her last words " I love you, I love you " then she slipped into a coma. When we were alone I held her hand and with tears in my eyes I told her I didn't want her to leave me but her work in this life was done it was ok for her to leave, I told her I loved her and would miss her. Later that night of September 12 my sister Vickie was going to administer some medicine when Linda opened her eyes and looked around and took her last breath, I was not with her at that moment but I am glad Vickie was, she did not die alone.
     Several days later Linda's cardiologist called to offer his condolences, he told me that she put up a valiant fight to live, he told me that he remembered the first time he saw her in the hospital some three years before he thought then that she would not live more than a few months. I think the two of you played a very big role in her survival.
     I remember a conversation I once had with one of my bosses many years ago, we were talking about our wives and how much trouble we sometimes put them thru, he said then that we both had better wives than we deserved, in my case I knew he was right. Were I able to live my life again I doubt I could be so fortunate to find Linda again but if I did I couldn't love her more than I do now.
     It will be many years before either of you will read this or any of the stories I have written or will yet write in these spaces but it is important that you know you had a Grandmother that was a beautiful, caring person and loved you both dearly.



     Grandpa
    
    
    
   
    

Half My Heart Is In Heaven

   


               Half My Heart Is In Heaven

   It is five months since Linda passed away and my heart is still broken, I struggle daily to move forward but there is an emptiness I have to deal with and it seems to pop-up quite often. Linda gave me a purpose, she was my reason for everything I did and without her it is difficult to maintain any order, it is easy to find reasons to do nothing.
     My friend John recently asked how many years Linda and I were married and when I told him he did the math in his head and then asked me if I have ever been alone, after a few thoughtful moments I told him that except for the year prior to meeting Linda no I had never been alone there was always someone in my life to come home to, for forty seven years it was Linda. 
     The girl next door told me that her grandmother said the nighttime was the loneliest time for her after her husband died. I have found that to be true as the house is quiet even when the TV is blaring away. I am also finding there are other moments when Linda's absence weighs heavy in my thoughts such as family gatherings. I am trying very hard to move forward as that is what Linda wanted me to do but just as I think I might be making headway something happens that I regress. 
     A couple of nights prior to Thanksgiving a neighbor was walking her dog after dark and noticed that there was only one of my lawn lights that was burning, she was one of Linda's friends and she stopped in to tell me about the light and how it struck her that it was a sign from Linda that she was watching over us. I lost it at that moment and started to cry just as I cried the morning after Linda had died, the pain I had thought to be diminishing returned, the neighbor hugged me, cried with me then apologized for making me sad then left. 
     Two days later I went to Danny and Marie's house for Thanksgiving , Clay and Maggie were there along with Linda's sister Vicky and her family, the family was complete yet it was not.  Although no one said anything Linda's absence was on my mind thru out the day as my thoughts went back to the festive gatherings of the past, several times I felt the sadness of the day as the memories crept into my thoughts. Twice I had to go outside and clear my head, several times I just hugged MJ tighter. I was invited to go with Danny and Marie to another gathering but I declined and went home to a quiet house where the loneliness, this time, was somewhat welcoming.
     The holiday weekend was long and lonely as the memories ebbed in and out, several times the tears built up and couldn't be held back. Knowing that Christmas was only weeks away and having just experienced the sadness of Thanksgiving I was not looking forward to what should be the happy festivities of Linda's favorite day. 
     Friends have been sympathetic and well meaning  but it is hard to relate as they have yet to walk in my shoes. The boys are going thru their own grieving period but the "old school" mentality makes it difficult for me to talk to them about their mother. Many times  since Linda passed I have wondered if I am depressed I tend to shrug it off saying to myself I am strong, this will pass and though her memory will never fade I will learn to live with it and the heartache will lessen but Linda will remain clear in my thoughts. How much more time is needed to take away the pain? My therapist says a time will come when the memories will be pleasant and bring smiles to my heart instead of tears to my eyes, that time may not be tomorrow but it will come.
     Christmas has now come and gone, there were no stockings hung from the mantel this year, I did put out the ceramic tree that Linda made many years ago and there are no presents. The gathering at Vicky's house went alright although I was tense. It was lonely driving home, this was the first Christmas without Linda since 1968. Christmas Day at Danny's house was better MJ's laughter was like magic in the air.
     As the weeks and months pass by I think I am getting better, the moments of sadness seem to be fewer  though just as tense. Recently I have been spending a lot of time with MJ, Sis and I took her to a park to feed the ducks and she just spent several days away from home at my house while Mom and Dad went to get her little brother. I look forward to being a part of her life and seeing the world thru her eyes. Matthew's arrival brought moments of sadness because Linda wanted so much to live long enough to hold him, I will hold him for her.
     Some time back a pop-up appeared on the computer screen for jewelry. A particular necklace caught my eye,  it was half of a broken heart with the inscription " Half My Heart Is In Heaven", the sentiment is appropriate for the way I feel and probably will feel for some time to come. Linda was my better half and I don't want to let her go. 


        

Pride and Joy

                                                      Pride and Joy


     I never thought to much about my heritage until a few years ago, I was never overly concerned about the Riggan name going forward into the future, if one of my sons produced a son to carry forth the name, great, if not then Granddaughters would be just fine with me. Then last summer we got the news that Danny and Marie were expecting a baby boy.
     With great excitement and anticipation I have been waiting for the birth of my Grandson and on Thursday, February 5, 2015 at 10:38 am one Matthew Brooke Riggan began his life kicking and screaming at the top of his little lungs and believe me he vocalizes very well, he weighed in at 7 lbs 14 oz and 21 inches long. When I first laid eyes on him he had not been totally cleaned up and only his mother and father could touch him, he was red and a little blue with dark hair matted to his head, his legs and hands were flailing in time with his screams. I watched as all around me ooh'd and aah'd at this noisy little bundle of joy, some said he looked like his mother, others said he looked like his father. I must confess that at this stage I can not denote any family resemblance, to me he looks like the beautiful baby that he is and I am proud to be his Grandfather just as much as I am proud to be MJ's Grandfather.
     MJ seemed to be very nonchalant about the loud little bundle that dad was holding when we walked into the room, she was more concerned about seeing her parents whom she had not seen since the night before ( she spent her first night away from home with Grandpa ) but then her curiosity seemed to take over. 

     It is now several days later and I think she is getting used to having a little brother although I don't think she truly understands the ramifications of being a Big Sister.
     Thank goodness I have two legs and two arms so I can hold a grand kid on each knee, I promise not to show any favoritism but I will double up on my spoiling technics. I will be 70 by the time Matthew will be ready to go fishing I only hope I will be able to keep up, fishing from a boat may not be in order then but I think I can remember how to rig a cane pole and cork bobber for bank fishing.
     I don't want to put any pressure on Matthew at such an early age but the future of this branch of the Riggan clan is in his hands. He bears the distinction of being the last baby boy born in three generations to carry the name Riggan who could possibly produce future sons to do the same. In all honesty I would have been just as happy if Matthew had been a girl, the bloodline will continue on with MJ as it will with Matthew, in their veins they carry a piece of their mother and father, their Grandparents, Great Grandparents and generations of ancestors before them. Regardless their name or gender the Riggan bloodline will continue. 

     Linda was upset that MJ would not remember her and Matthew would only know of her yet in them she lives, she is a part of them and will be a part of the generations to come from them, in that sense she will live forever as she so rightly deserves.
     The day Matthew was born was difficult for me. I remembered Linda, in her illness, setting a goal to live long enough to see her Grandson and hold him in her arms, she struggled and fought hard but it was not to be. Her absence still weighs heavy on my heart and seeing Matthew produced mixed feelings of pride, love and sadness. I know Linda would be just as proud and happy with Matthew as I am. I wish she were here, I still love her.