For two years we dreamed of a future where things would be better, for two years we lived on the hope of a life free of Drs. and hospitals. We made plans for next month and next year all the while in our hearts we knew it was futile but we had hope. Over the forty seven years we were married I had seen Linda happy, thrilled, upset and mad and now I was going to see another emotion, one that I never knew existed in her.
When I brought her home from the hospital, in July of 2014, it was to be the last time, we both knew this but the Dr. had said months but never how many, he said this as he always said it - with an air of hope. Linda's outlook immediately grabbed hold of this hope and ran with it, she was always happy and upbeat with whoever came to see her. She craved laughter and gaiety, tears and sorrowful talk were not allowed. Friends and family came to see her, they talked of old times, they thanked her for all she had done for them - they said their goodbye's in different ways. She knew her fate but she denied it, she never gave up hope, she held her head high as she had always done. They said she was brave.
Not long before she passed I returned from an errand one day, Linda was sitting in a chair while her friend made the bed for her. Linda was upset, she had overheard a conversation on the back deck, a statement was made " All I know is Mike said that if I wanted to say goodbye I better come soon". I had never seen Linda scared of anything but now I saw fear in her eyes. All of a sudden I was faced with the most difficult task of my life.
I bent over and put my arms around Linda and pulled her up to me holding her close as her friend told me what had happened, her eyes were looking at me with a longing for me to make things better. Sometimes Linda had problems with depression and during those dark times I was able to pull her through but this time I just didn't know if I could. With her face buried in my shoulder, I held her tight, ran my fingers through her hair and kissed the top of her head, I told her that I didn't know how much time she had left but however much there was I was going to do my best to make that time the best that I could. Her arms squeezed me and she cried with her face on my shoulder. We stood there for a while holding each other as we had done on many occasions, I kissed her many times, told her I loved her and held her tight. I wanted to cry with her but I had decided I would not cry in front of her, she had been my rock for many years it was my turn to be her rock and I was determined not to let her down.
By this time even I could see the end was near, the words of the Drs. and hospice nurses no longer carried an air of hope but every day we hoped for another tomorrow.
It wasn't long after this day that Linda passed, I have not forgotten this day and doubt I ever will. I have held off writing about this episode because it involved someone close to her, that someone passed away sometime back so they can no longer be hurt by reading this. This is a part of my memories of Linda that I can't escape from even if I wanted to, it is another memory I want to share with my children, grandchildren and future generations.
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