The Next Chapter

                                                 The Next Chapter





                                               Smile Because She Lived


                You can shed tears because she is gone
                       Or you can smile because she lived.
                       You can close your eyes and pray that she will come back
                       Or you can open your eyes and see all that she has left.

                       Your heart can be empty because you can't see her,
                       Or you can be full of the love you shared.
                       You can turn your back on tomorrow and live yesterday,
                       Or you can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.

                       You can remember her and only that she is gone,
                       Or you can cherish her memory and let it live on.
                       You can cry and close your mind, be empty and turn back,
                       Or you can do what she would want:

                       Smile, open your eyes, love and go on.

                       Author unknown



     The above poem was one of several pieces given to those of us in my grief support group. It hopefully had the effect of encouraging us to move forward and be happy in our remembrance of our lost loved ones rather than continue with the grieving that most of us were still wrapped up in. This was six months after Linda had passed away and she was still deeply embedded in my thoughts, my mind was closed, I was empty and moving forward was out of the question.
     It has been a year since Linda passed away, I have endured holidays without her laughter, the birth of a grandson she longed to hold, her birthday and our anniversary without celebration. It has been a year of sadness and sorrow, self pity and longing, loneliness and darkness. Loneliness is the worst of all the feelings, she was not there to hold or talk with and why turn on the lights when there is only you in the house, in the darkness your vision is not blurred when you cry. Going forward seemed senseless when there was no longer a purpose, many times I shut myself away from the world around me and closed the door on friends and family.
     During this past year I shed more tears than any time in my life, all it took was a smell, sight or sound and the memories would turn loose the tide of emotions and flood of tears. I wanted to turn back the clock and have just one more day with Linda to hold her and tell her how much I loved her.
In the support group we talked about the day when we could invoke memories of our loved one and smile. It was never that memories of Linda were sad or unhappy, I have no sad memories of Linda, I have been sad because all I had left of her were the memories and that has not been enough.
     Without a doubt this past year has been the worst in my life, knowing that other people have walked in my shoes before me and many others will after me did not satisfy the feelings of grief. My survival took a lot of understanding, compassion and love from family and friends.
      I still couldn't move forward until I met with a group of people who were in as much anguish as I was.This group of strangers all had one thing in common, they grieved for someone they loved who had passed away. We shared our grief with each other and in doing so we helped each other. Our session was brief, only nine weeks, but it was intense and we became like a family, we still get together once a month and several of us have gone on outings together. We still grieve and probably will for years to come if not forever but now we know that we are not alone and have understanding friends.
     Like the poem says, I can cry and close my mind, be empty and turn back or I can do what Linda would want - smile, open my eyes, love and go on. Had the roles been reversed I would want Linda to move on and enjoy the rest of her life,I know this is what she wants for me. This is not to say that I have stopped grieving for her, I doubt I ever will but I am ready to smile again and rejoice in the life Linda and I had together, I still love and miss her, I am proud for having had the privilege of loving her.
     So today I am turning the page to the next chapter in my life, a chapter filled with family and friends - new and old, with old memories and making new ones. I am throwing out the thoughts and things that have stymied any growth for some time. A new chapter, I can only wonder what new things await me, where my new life will take me - I think I am ready.


                      











              

The Last Farewell

                      The Last Farewell

     I am on the road again, this time Linda is with me, her cremated remains next to me in the front seat. I am taking her to fulfill her final wish to have her remains scattered on Daytona Beach. This is a family affair that hopefully will bring some closure to us all so Danny, Marie,MJ and Matthew, Clay and Maggie, Vicki and Chelsea are also in route, Eileen's husband Ken will meet us there.
    It has been a long hard path we walked since the early part of 2012 when Linda having difficulty breathing was misdiagnosed with asthma and later discovered to have congestive heart disease, from that day forward our lives changed. Each episode that sent her to the hospital weakened her heart and robbed her of her life.
    One of our friends told her she was very brave for the way she was dealing with her plight and I can attest to just how bravely she fought to live. Inside I think she was afraid even though she told everyone she was ready to go, outside she continued to live as she always had, she sang her songs, laughed out loud, worked on her crochet projects and sought out the beauty of everyday life. She looked forward to the birth of her Grandchildren and made plans for the future. When her friends visited she refused to let them pity her and kept the conversation upbeat, expressions of sorrow and tears were not permitted. Yes she was brave, as brave as any soldier facing death on the battlefield. I, on the other hand, was in denial, this couldn't be happening to us, she will get better and grow old with me. If I focused on the positive then the outcome would be positive, but in reality, for the first time in my life I felt totally helpless. Linda put forth a brave face for the world to see right up to the day before she lapsed into a coma, I wore my brave face for her, never crying in front of her, always telling her things were going to be alright, for her I could do no less.
    Many times this past year I have cried deeply from my broken heart, I have felt as though I am only half of  a person, she was indeed my better half. This past year has been devastating, I tried coping in silence and when that failed I turned to strangers who were on the same path as me. I found out that sharing in the grief of others was a big help and in that sharing I was helping not only myself but others in the most difficult time of our lives.
    I have thought about this moment for some time knowing that I would want to write about it, what will I say, how will I feel. This trip was to be the final farewell, the closure I needed - a door was closing on my old life and another was opening on a new life without Linda. Certainly there have been times during the last almost four years that I have known this day would come though I did not want it to. I would rather that she still be by my side in person rather than in spirit, I would be happier if she would be sitting beside me singing with the radio than  listen to the silence of a box of ashes. Surprisingly I feel a sort of numbness, as I drive there are a few moments where I tear up and choke back a cry of despair. It is like all of the tears and pain of her loss for the last year have led up to this point, I had to grieve before I could let her go.
     When I arrived at the hotel the anxiety set in, on the one hand I was antsy and wanting to hurry things along. On the other hand scattering the ashes meant that she is gone forever living only in my heart and the memories of our life together, will that be enough to sustain me.
     I spent a lot of time thinking as I drove and again as I awaited for the time to wade into the waters. I wondered if I had truly been the best husband for her, did I do everything possible to make her happy, should I now ask her forgiveness for the times I let her down. I told myself that I did the best I could and then realized that I should have done better, she deserved better
     The time seemed to drag on, the others took the opportunity to make this trip a vacation  of sorts and do a little sight seeing and getting together with relatives. I tried to fit in as much as I could though at times I was flustered and probably seemed out of sorts with everyone. This was not a festive occasion for me and I think Ken may have had similar feelings as he brought some of Eileen's ashes to scatter with Linda's. In reality we all grieved in our own ways, the loss of both Linda and Eileen held different meaning to each of us and that is the way it should be.
     The time came and we all gathered on the sand. Linda and I were not religious in the traditional sense, she held God in her heart and spoke of her beliefs to very few, so I asked that everyone take a handful of ashes and say their goodbyes as they wished. For myself, I watched as the wind blew the ashes into the water and told Linda goodbye for the last time, I told her that I loved her and always will. I don't cry as much any more, I hate to think it may be that I am getting used to Linda being gone, but as the ashes flowed through my fingers I cried, not because I am used to her being gone but because I still miss her.
     I read somewhere that " death is that state in which one exist only in the memories of others ". Linda is a memory now as she has been for the last year, our life together is a jumble of memories floating in and out of my thoughts as they will for the rest of my life.
     This writing is to be the last about Linda and her struggles with death. It has taken almost a month for me to find the right words ( I hope they are right ) to say, they were hidden in the dark shadows of my mind and took quite a tussle to bring them to the light. In years to come our grandchildren, their children and grandchildren for many generations will hopefully read these words and know Linda and know how much I loved her.

                  Farewell my love.