Goodbye

                                                                   Goodbye


     Interstate 75 thru Georgia and Florida is a road I have traveled many times since 1965 and here I am again heading south. Usually these trips are for pleasure though a few were for business and usually Linda is sitting in the passenger seat beside me, she would be singing along with the radio or crocheting something or maybe just letting me hold her hand as we talked while I drove. I am retired now so this isn't a business trip and while I always enjoy seeing Eileen and Ken I take no pleasure in this visit because I am going to say goodbye to Eileen.
     Eileen is not doing so well, Ken says she has not been feeling well since the first of the year, recently she has made a couple of trips to the emergency room. Her heart is giving out and there is nothing that can be done to fix it, the prognosis is that she has weeks left - how many is a question for which there is no answer. This is not one of those times where I can send a get well card or make a phone call that ends in a simple goodbye.
     This last year has taught me some things - 1. It makes no matter how happy you are in life or how well things are progressing something is going to happen to make you will realize that sometimes life sucks. 2. If I have learned anything from the events of the past year it would be that the hardest part of getting older is letting go of the people that were so much a part of your life, leaving you with nothing but memories. Yep, sometimes life sucks!
     Though there are hundreds of cars on the road yet I am lonely. Every exit holds a memory from the past fifty years, the radio can not compensate for the sweetness of Linda's voice so the memories keep me company. My mind ignores the radio and road sounds, it tells me this is too soon after Linda's passing, Eileen is too young, why am I not the one with a bad heart I am after all older than either one of them, what am I going to say to her, how am I going to say goodbye to another person that I love? The trip was long and tiring.
     Ken had a pizza waiting when I got there, we ate and talked. Eileen can't figure out what all the fuss is about, she knows she has been given six weeks to live but she feels good. Ken and Eileen are handling this much like Linda and I did - with a mixture of hope and reality. Linda was given months to live and she made plans for seven or eight months away, Eileen isn't looking that far down the road but she is looking past six weeks. The reality is that, like Linda, her time is short, her condition will not improve. Knowing that you will have to eventually let go of a loved one is the hardest part of holding on to them.
     Ken and I went fishing the next morning, we talked of many things while waiting for something to take the bait. Having walked the path he is now on I tried to pass along some knowledge of things to come and we made plans for future fishing trips. The rest of the day was filled with a nap, a lot of reminiscing and another trip to the fishing hole. The next morning we went fishing again and when we returned Eileen was awake and excited that two of her friends were going to take her fishing later that day. Ken and I went to breakfast, when we returned Eileen was still there, she had decided that she didn't feel well enough to go fishing after all. We all decided to take a nap.
     My plan was to stay thru Friday night and leave early Saturday morning but the reason I made the trip lingered in my mind like a six hundred pound gorilla, Ken and Eileen knew about the gorilla too and like me we avoided thinking about him. My nap was short and fitful so I got up and we all talked more about the past, it was good to hear Eileen laugh and I didn't care how loud she got, I didn't even care how many times she repeated herself.
     Ken asked about what we wanted for dinner and this was where my reality set in. I was hear to say goodbye to another person I loved and cared about, I didn't want to do it. I am tired of being sad, I am tired of tears flowing down my cheeks, I am tired of life changing direction on me.
     I looked at them and asked if they would mind if I left early, I think we all knew what was going on - the gorilla had to be dealt with. I loaded my things in the truck and as I came back in Eileen was getting off the couch, she said she had enough strength to stand for a hug. When we embraced I told her I was going to miss her, she told me the same then we kissed and hugged again, we both had tears in our eyes as I whispered in her ear to tell Linda that I still loved her, she hugged me tighter before letting me go. Ken stood with tears in his eyes and we hugged, then with out another word I turned and walked out.
     As I drove away I looked back to the house for a final wave of the hand but there was no one standing at the door or in front of the picture window, the gorilla was gone but the pain he caused would linger for a while.
     I'm back on the interstate heading north this time, once again memories help me to pass the time. It is not the memories that make me sad and lonely because I have nothing but good memories about Linda and Eileen. The memories are just caught up in the process of grieving that still has a tight grip on me and now I have more grief to deal with, life does indeed suck from time to time.
    


              "Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened"

           Dr. Seuss