Getting Old Ain't For Sissy's

     A few months back I turned 72 years old. To be honest I never thought I would get this far yet here I am, near sighted, grey haired and pot bellied. I guess I should consider myself fortunate to still be walking around when so many people younger than me go to meet their maker every day due to various illnesses and accidents.
     Looking back on my life I can say there were times I did some pretty dumb things that could have resulted in my demise. As a teenager I jumped off high cliffs into the lake and would swing on a rope attached to a tree on the side of a steep bluff overlooking the lake. I rode a bicycle that I personally worked on only to find out that I am not mechanically inclined - the brakes didn't always work and the front wheel occasionally fell off when I hit a bump.
     I left home at 18 and joined the Navy, as a VIP driver I had a heavy foot. There were no laws about using a seat belt back then so I didn't use one but there were several times, after driving at speeds exceeding 90 mph, a thought would cross my mind "are you crazy" but then I was 18 - 19 years old, I was indestructible. The Navy sent me off to war in Vietnam, not once but twice, again I was fortunate and came home, more than 50,000 of my brothers didn't.
     I continued to drive too fast, over the years I was involved in several auto accidents and received more than my share of speeding tickets. I smoked cigarettes, drank several forms of alcohol,sometimes to excess, and before the kids came along any excuse to party was a good excuse.
     Once the kids came along I slowed down, quit drinking and kept the speed odometer under 80 mph (when the kids were in the car). I suffered the odd cuts and bruises and continued to scratch my head every year when my birthday came around amazed that I made it another year. I worked hard, often long hours, smoking helped keep the stress under control though it didn't do my body any good.
     One day I woke up and found I was a senior citizen, I could no longer keep up with the younger generation physically or mentally. Technology passed me by a long time ago and I don't even think about trying to catch up. I'm so out of shape that getting in a hurry is out of the question, if I had to run the proverbial 50 yards to the outhouse I would need some clean underwear about halfway there. My reflexives have slowed and my memory is sporadic, seems my mouth gets ahead of my brain and whatever I was trying to say  doesn't always come to me until a later time, the doctor calls it "having a senior moment".Various parts of the body take turns letting me know how they feel, sleep eludes me at times, arthritis has a hold on several joints and skin tags are popping up all over my body.
     I have needed glasses for years and now I have what is called a floater in my right eye. I get up slowly in the middle of the night to let my body adjust to the new position and I can't walk barefoot anymore but I did quit smoking a few years ago.
     There is some good news though, I just had a checkup, other than needing to drop a few pounds (OK quite a few), having low vitamin D and borderline cholesterol I'm not in bad shape. When so many people my age are wolfing down handfuls of pills every day I only take three, every thing still works although not as good as they used to.
     I look in the mirror and see and old person yet I look at things from a young persons point of view, I think I can still do things like I always have but then I remember I'm not 25 or 30 or even 40 anymore. I miss the "good ol' days".
     There's a line from a country song that goes "I ain't as good as I once was but I'm as good once as I ever was" but I should add another line "just not as often as I used to".
     One of the really hard parts about getting old is that all of your friends and relatives have gotten old also, some of them are not doing so well and some have already passed away. I don't enjoy seeing people I know suffering from some disease, I don't enjoy saying goodbye to them but because I love them I will do what I can.
     I don't recommend getting old, it beats the alternative but it sure ain't for sissy's.



















   

Five Years

     "The business of life is the acquisition of memories, in the end that is all that is left" 

                                                                                    Mr. Carson, Downton Abbey



     This post contains individual posts that I write on Face Book on the anniversary of the passing of Linda and Wayne. The words are from my heart and I think they are important to future generations so I have created this post as a compilation of the anniversary writings.  

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FIVE YEARS

     Five years ago Kay and I didn't know each other but life forces were in play that would bring us together. Five years ago Kay's husband Wayne passed away, a week later my wife Linda passed away, after decades of marriage we were lost and alone. The first year was devastating, we mourned our losses deeply, we cried ourselves to sleep when sleep was possible, we wandered aimlessly in a fog of despair even though we were surrounded by friends and family.
     As time went on life became easier, with help we learned how to move forward without forgetting, we learned to live again with the memories of a lifetime, we learned how to smile and laugh again as we told our stories of the past. What we did not do was forget even one minute detail of the ones we lost. Everyday we remember Wayne and Linda, some times the memories bring tears, some times smiles, some times the memory is but a fleeting moment like a flash of light but most often they linger for a few minutes as the minds eye allows us to look back on a smiling face or listen to sounds of laughter. Our memories of Wayne and Linda can never be lost, they are permanently etched, deeply, in our minds mingling with the memories that we now create together.
     Kay and I came together during the most devastating, heartbreaking period of our lives, drawn together by grief we fell in love and married. There were those that felt our marriage defiled our memories of Wayne and Linda, that we no longer remembered the life or the love we grieved for. Well, you hurt us, you added to our grief and caused us great pain but then you also strengthened our resolve, together we have learned to move forward while looking back, together we have learned to love again without remorse.
     Linda and Wayne are memories now, memories that can be brought on by various things, an aroma, scenery along the roadside, a song on the radio, a scene from a movie or maybe it did just pop up out of the blue. There have been times we could be having a conversation with someone when our eyes might water, we may start to sniffle or even be close to outright crying, then for no apparent reason we may smile all because something triggered a memory. We are getting better at setting aside our emotions, we no longer burst into tears for no reason, there are times when we need a hug or a whisper of love and these we freely give to each other. The existence of our grief often is subtle as the pain continues to lessen, our happiness overshadows the sorrow but the sorrow will always be there, I think, for the rest of our lives.
     Five years is just the beginning, for the rest of our lives we will remember our late spouses, the memories may bring tears or smiles, either way they will be welcome because they are a part of us that can never be denied. Five years, it seems like yesterday, five years from now it will still feel like yesterday, memories are funny like that.

                                                        In Loving Memory

          Linda Jean Dingman Riggan                            Charles Wayne Bullock

           3 /30 / 1949  -  9 / 12 / 2014                           12 / 21 / 1952  -  9 / 6 / 2014

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TIME

     Six years ago, Kay's husband Wayne passed away after 35 years of marriage, one week later my wife Linda passed away after 47 years of marriage. It was their time, yet we grieved for them. We continued our existence in time alone yet surrounded by family and friends. We didn't know each other then but time eventually brought us together and over time we learned to live with our grief. Time held our memories of a life never to be forgotten while we made memories in our new life together. 

     But to say that "time heals all wounds" is not really a truism. Time works very well on physical wounds although there may be a scar, time hides wounds of the mind and heart. The wounds lay unseen to most people hidden by a facade that cloaks the bearer. Our's is a wound of the heart that time can not heal.

    Time moves us forward in our love for each other but it can't heal the wounds in our hearts or hide the memories of our past. Six years have gone by, next September will be seven years then eight, nine, ten. We have come to learn that time will continue to heal our wounds but time will never allow us to forget Wayne and Linda, not last year, not this year, not next year.
   
   

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EIGHT YEARS

     At this time of the year, I usually write something about the grief I am experiencing from Linda's passing. It's been eight years, I still feel her loss but it seems different somehow. It's hard to explain, I still miss her but I don't mourn her like in the past, does this mean that I have excepted her loss and moved on?

     Kay and I often think and speak of Wayne and Linda, it's hard not to with so much that triggers a memory but those memories no longer produce tears or feelings of sadness they now bring forth smiles and laughter. This must be another stage in the grieving process but it leaves me a little confused and wondering what or how I will be feeling in the years to come. 

     Whatever the next step in the process is, I know that we will never forget them and the life we had with them.  

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     About this time every year, I write something about my feelings from losing Linda. These picture my son has posted about Linda are a fitting tribute to her life so I am going to piggyback my thoughts about her.

     After a lifetime of loving and living with someone, you find that you can never forget them or stop loving them though they are no longer with you. Time becomes a scar covering the wound death has left on your heart.

     After nine years, I have moved on, Kay and I have made a good life together and we love each other, we both would rather be spending this time with the person we grieve for but life doesn't always give you what you want. Every day we remember them in different ways, we smile from our thoughts and hold back tears from our sadness then we move forward but we never forget.

     These pictures seem like yesterday, indeed they are yesterday, they are embedded in my memory forever. All that Linda and Wayne were is now a memory that occupies a special place in our hearts. Grief is the one thing time can never erode just as memories can never be forgotten. A wound can be healed but there will always be a scare in it's place to remind us of another time.

               

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          The ANNIVERSARY

     September has arrived once again, while there are many reasons to be happy about it's arrival there is one thing that cast a shadow over the month. Ten years ago, Kay's husband Wayne passed away on the sixth, my wife Linda passed away on the fourteenth, it was a dark time for the both of us. Like a lot of things in life, there is no guidebook, nothing to tell you what to expect, what to do or how to act, even talking with others who have gone through the grieving process doesn't help much because everyone grieves differently. 

     So, here we are ten years after their passing and we are still grieving for them, we no longer cry ourselves to sleep or walk around looking like we are lost but we do still grieve for them. The emotions have changed, the events leading to their deaths are not as vivid but the memories of their life are as clear as yesterday. We don't need a picture of them because their likeness is embossed into our memory cells and often enters our thoughts, we speak of the good times and smile, sometimes we laugh. 

     I guess this is another phase of the grieving process, maybe the final phase as I can't think of how more years will change my feelings, only those who started their journey before us would know and I suspect they would say grief is never ending. So, here we are celebrating another anniversary, no cake with candles or party favors just each other to hold and a lifetime of memories to make us smile, somehow I think that's enough.