No Need To Worry Any More

                        No Need To Worry Any More




     Today, Linda's sister Vicki decided to throw a party for my 68th birthday. I tried to talk her out of it and have her wait until the milestone 70th birthday just two years from now but she insisted. The family gathered at Vicki's house for the festivities. I had picked up M.J.from Danny and Marie, she and I did some shopping along the way. Shortly after arriving Danny, Marie and Matthew showed up followed by my sister Vickie and Maggie and Clay.
      I had some things for Clay in my truck so he and Maggie walked out with me to get them. It was there that they informed me that Clay had proposed to Maggie during a short get away this weekend, they were engaged. The fact that they were someday going to marry was never a doubt in my mind but there was always a wondering as to when Clay would ever get around to popping the question. I hugged them both and kissed Maggie on the head as I did so. I have long thought they loved each other, both Linda and I had eagerly looked forward to having Maggie as a daughter - in - law. With out a doubt I am this day a proud father.
     Since Linda's passing I have experienced moments of sadness brought on by memories that pop up from the depths of my mind. I recently changed my route to my grief counseling sessions because the road was the same one that I always took when taking Linda to her Dr appointments or following the ambulance to the emergency room. The other day I cleaned the back deck for the first time since Linda died, I bought new seat cushions for the chairs and then I relaxed in the chair that Linda always sat in and looked out over the back yard just as she did. We spent many hours on that deck and now I wonder why I went to the trouble, the memories are still strong and painful.
     Today is the first birthday I have celebrated without Linda beside me since 1966 and as we gathered around each other and talked of various things I couldn't help but feel the emptiness from Linda's absence. Today the announcement that Clay and Maggie were engaged brought back one of the more touching memories of Linda.
     One of the most endearing qualities of Linda was her caring for the people that meant the most to  her. You see Linda always put others well being ahead of her own. She always made sure that the boys and I had everything we needed or even wanted before she took care of her needs. This time last year she told me I needed to look for another wife because I needed someone to take care of me, she was afraid I wouldn't take care of myself and I must admit there are times I think she may have been right. After she was pronounced terminal I caught her in a moment of despair, she was concerned about Clay which was not something new, she was always concerned about Clay he was after all her baby and he held a special place in her heart just as Danny held a special place because he was her first born. She was deeply concerned that M.J. would not remember her and that she would not get to hold Matthew in her arms. She was even concerned for her dog Lizzy. She was concerned for Marie in that her pregnancy would go well and that Maggie would finally get Clay to propose. She didn't want her family and friends locked in long periods of mourning.
     For the last three years or more and especially the last couple of months of her life, I spent a lot of time telling her everything was going to be alright even when I knew there was room for doubt in my own mind. I knew that we all would suffer from her absence just not to what extent. I didn't know how the boys or her sisters truly felt because I couldn't bring myself to talk to them about my own feelings. It was like there was this elephant in the room, we all knew it was there but nobody wanted to admit it was there so we didn't talk about it. I got to the place where I needed help so I started attending grief counseling meetings months ago, they have been a big help for me. I am at the point now that I am like a man standing on the boat dock of the past with one foot on the boat of the future, the boat is slowly drifting away, the gap widening ever so slowly and I must decide if I will stay on the dock filled with grief or step on the boat of my new life without Linda. I am so close to stepping off of the dock and on to the boat letting the tide take me away to a time when all of my memories of Linda are happy ones void of the tears of despair and loneliness.
     I looked around at my family and decided we were like families every where that have suffered the loss of a loved one. We hurt and cry, we grieve in our own way some more than others, some longer than others and then we move on, sadness and pain is slowly replaced by happiness and smiles of the good times we had.
     Having said all this I can say to Linda that her worries are unfounded, you did your job well and though we may for a while longer wear a mask to hide our pain we will be alright. We will continue to miss you and love you but we will be alright. You can rest now your work is done, you don't need to worry any more.